Chapter 21

1Getting close to Jerusalem, they stopped at Bethphage on the Mount of Olives, and Trump sent two of his guys ahead with instructions.

2“Go into the next village. You're going to see a donkey tied up, with her colt. Untie them and bring them to me.” A donkey. Not my first choice, frankly. I wanted the motorcade. But the prophecy said donkey.

3“If anybody gives you a hard time, just tell them Mr. Trump needs them. They'll hand them right over.” Eminent domain, folks. Totally legal. I've used it many times.

4The prophets called this one too. They always knew about me. Way ahead of their time.

5“Tell Jerusalem, 'Here comes your king, very humble, riding on a donkey, on a little baby donkey.'” Humble. They said humble. Very humble. Tremendously humble.

6The two guys went and did exactly what Trump said. Followed orders. Perfectly. For once.

7They came back with the donkey and the colt and threw their coats over them for Trump to sit on. Not leather seats. But the coats were nice. Some of them.

8Then the crowd starts throwing their coats down on the road. Others cut branches off the trees and lay them down. Red carpet treatment. Biggest welcome Jerusalem has ever seen. Bigger than any king.

9Crowds in front, crowds behind, all of them shouting, “Hosanna! Hosanna to the Son of David! The best! The greatest! Hosanna!” Four more years! Four more years! Some people were shouting that too.

10He rolls into Jerusalem and the whole city goes crazy. “Who is this guy?” Who is this? They knew. Everybody knew. They just wanted to hear it again.

11The crowds said, “It's Trump! The prophet from Queens!” Queens! The best borough. Everybody says so.

12Trump walked into the temple and cleared the place out. Everybody buying, everybody selling, out. He flipped the money changers' tables. Flipped the dove guys' benches. Terrible exchange rates. Total ripoff. Somebody had to do it.

13“This is a house of prayer,” he told them. “And you've turned it into a den of thieves. A flea market. You want to do business? Do it right. Get a proper storefront. Put a name on the building.”

14Then the blind and the lame came to him right there in the temple, and he healed them. Right in the lobby. Very classy lobby, after I cleaned it up.

15The chief priests and the lawyers saw all of it. The healings. The kids running around the temple yelling, “Hosanna to the Son of David!” And they were furious. Pure jealousy. The establishment hates a winner.

16“Do you hear what these kids are saying?” they asked him. “Of course I hear it,” Trump said. “Haven't you ever read that God gets the best praise from little kids? Even the kids know. The kids always know.”

17Then he walked out on them and went to Bethany for the night. Nice place. Quiet. Very good room.

18Next morning, heading back into the city, Trump was hungry. No breakfast. Terrible room service in Bethany, it turns out.

19There's a fig tree by the road. He walks over. Nothing on it. Just leaves. And he says, “No figs? You're fired. You'll never grow a fig again.” And the tree dried up on the spot. Even trees, folks. Nobody's exempt.

20The disciples couldn't believe it. “Sir, how did it die so fast?” Same way everything happens around me. Quickly. Very quickly.

21Trump said, “That tree didn't produce, so it's gone. Nothing personal. Same with people, same with buildings, same with mountains. Anything that doesn't perform, you get rid of it. Fast.

22And never doubt. Never show doubt. You walk in and ask for the whole mountain, and you'll get half of it, which is still a mountain.” Ask big. Always ask big. That's the art of the deal.

23Back at the temple, he's in the middle of teaching, and the chief priests and elders walk up. “Who said you could do all this? Who gave you the authority? Show us your papers.” Credentials! They wanted credentials! Like the birth certificate people.

24Trump said, “I'll make you a deal. I'll ask you one question. You answer it, and I'll tell you who gave me the authority. Counteroffer. Always make them answer first.

25Johnny's baptisms. Where'd that come from? Heaven, or did he make it up?” They huddled up and talked it over. “If we say heaven, he's going to say, 'So why didn't you believe him?'

26But if we say he made it up, the crowd's going to turn on us, because everybody thinks Johnny was a prophet.” Trapped. Totally trapped. Very weak people. Low IQ.

27So they said to Trump, “We don't know.” And Trump said, “Then I'm not telling you either.” Checkmate. Nobody does it better.

28“Let me ask you something. A guy has two sons. He goes to the first one and says, 'Son, I need you at the rally tonight. Front row.' Family business. Always the family business.

29And the kid says, 'No. I'm busy. Not going.' But that night he shows up anyway. Wearing the hat. Rough start, strong finish. I like that.

30Then the father goes to the other son, and that kid says, 'Absolutely, Dad, I'll be right there, front row, love you.' And he never shows up. All talk. No action. Like a politician.

31Which one's the real supporter?” “The first one,” they said. Trump said to them, “Right. And you people are the second son. The tax collectors, the truck drivers, the waitresses—they're getting into the kingdom before you. Before you! That's how bad you're doing.

32Johnny told you what was coming, and you all said, 'Great, love it, very interesting,' and then nothing. My people heard it once and showed up in the rain. In the rain!” Very loyal people. The most loyal people in the world.

33“Here's another one. A guy owns some land and plants a vineyard. He puts a wall around it—a big, beautiful wall—builds a winepress and a tower. Then he rents it out to some farmers and moves away. Florida, probably.

34When harvest time comes, he sends his guys to the farmers to collect his share. Rent day. Very important day.

35And the farmers grab his guys. They beat up one, kill another, and stone the third. Worst tenants ever. Believe me, I've had bad tenants. Nothing like this.

36So he sends more guys, more than before, and the farmers do the same thing to them. Total lawlessness. No law and order whatsoever.

37Finally he sends his own son. He figures, 'They'll respect my son.' Good son. The favorite son. A lot of people say I'm the favorite son.

38But when the farmers see the son, they say, 'That's the heir. Let's kill him, and the vineyard's ours.' Stealing the inheritance! Stealing! Like a stolen election.

39So they grab him, throw him out of the vineyard, and kill him. Very sad. Very bad people.

40So when the owner shows up, what's he going to do to those farmers?”

41“He's going to destroy those creeps,” they said, “and rent the vineyard to somebody who'll pay up.” Evicted. Total eviction. Very strong response. They answered correctly, and they didn't even realize it was about them.

42Trump said to them, “Haven't you ever read the part about the stone the builders threw away becoming the cornerstone? Builders, folks. I know builders. And I'm the cornerstone. The most important stone. Holds up the whole building.

43So I'm telling you, the kingdom of God is getting taken away from you and given to people who'll actually produce. Under new management.

44Anybody who trips on this stone gets broken into pieces. And anybody it falls on gets crushed.” Very heavy stone. The best stone. Imported.

45The chief priests and the Pharisees finally figured out the stories were about them. Finally. Even they figured it out.

46They wanted to arrest him right there. But they were scared of the crowd, because the people thought he was a prophet. The crowds protect me, folks. Always. That's why they're so big.