Chapter 22

1Trump wasn't done. “Folks, I've got another one. A great one. One of my best.

2The kingdom of heaven is like a king who throws a wedding for his son. Big wedding. Ballroom wedding. Like Mar-a-Lago, maybe bigger.

3He sends his people out to tell the guests it's time to come, and they won't come. Won't come! Free food! Open bar! Who turns that down?

4So he sends more people and says, 'Tell them dinner's ready. I've got the steaks on. The best steaks. Everything's ready. Come to the wedding.' Wagyu, folks. Very expensive beef.

5But they blow it off. One guy goes to his farm, another guy goes to his business. Very rude. Very disrespectful. Low-class people.

6And the rest of them grab the king's people, beat them up, and kill them. Over a wedding invitation! Total overreaction. Crazy people.

7The king was furious. He sent in his army and wiped them out and burned their city. Strong response. Very strong. Peace through strength.

8Then he says to his people, 'The wedding's ready, but the people I invited didn't deserve it. They weren't the best people.

9So go out on the street. Invite anybody. Everybody. Fill it up.' Open invitation. Fill the room. Never have empty seats. Empty seats look terrible on camera.

10So out they go, into the streets, and drag in everybody they can find. Good people, bad people, everybody. Packed. Standing room only. Fire marshal was very upset.

11But when the king comes in to look at the guests, he sees a guy who isn't dressed for a wedding. No tie! At a wedding! Not even a red tie. Not even a long one.

12He says, 'Friend, how'd you get in here dressed like that?' And the guy had nothing to say. Nothing. No defense.

13So the king says to his security, 'Tie him up and throw him out. Out in the dark, where everybody's crying and grinding their teeth.' Dress code, folks. Very strict. My clubs have a dress code too. No exceptions.

14Lots of people get invited, but not many get chosen.” Very exclusive. Like a membership. The initiation fee is very high.

15Then the Pharisees went off into a back room to figure out how to get Trump to say something they could use. Gotcha journalism. They've been doing it forever.

16They sent some of their guys, plus some Herodians, to work him. “Sir, we know you're an honest guy. Very honest. You tell it like it is. You don't care what anybody thinks.” Flattery. Usually it works on me. Not this time.

17“So tell us. Should we pay taxes to Caesar or not?” Taxes. Again with the taxes. They're obsessed with my taxes.

18But Trump knew exactly what they were doing. “Hypocrites,” he said. “Why are you trying to trap me? You think I don't know a setup? I invented the setup.

19Show me the money. The tax money.” They handed him a denarius. Small coin. Not impressive.

20And he asked them, “Whose face is on this? Whose name?” Very important question. Branding is everything.

21“Caesar's,” they said. “Not a great likeness,” Trump said. “Bad hair. So here's what you do. Give Caesar as little as possible. That's called being smart. Everybody does it. Give God what's God's.” And give Trump what's Trump's. That part was implied. Strongly implied.

22They had nothing. Speechless. They just walked away. Total defeat. Great answer. One of the best answers ever given.

23Same day, the Sadducees show up. They don't believe anybody comes back from the dead. Don't believe in comebacks. Very negative people. Very pessimistic.

24“Sir,” they said, “Moses said if a guy dies with no kids, his brother has to marry the widow and have kids for him.

25So there were these seven brothers. The first one gets married and dies, no kids, so the second one marries the widow.

26Same thing with the second one, and the third one, all the way to the seventh.” Seven brothers! Very unlucky family. Or something was going on. Somebody should look into it.

27“And then the woman dies too.” Not surprising, honestly.

28“So when everybody comes back from the dead, whose wife is she? She was married to all seven.” Ridiculous hypothetical. Fake scenario. They made it up.

29Trump said, “Seven brothers, one wife? I'd want to see the prenup. Seriously. Who wrote that prenup? Very bad lawyer.

30Here's how it works. She goes with whoever had the most money. That's how it works down here, and that's how it works up there.

31And you don't believe in comebacks? I've come back more times than anybody in history. Many times. You're talking to the comeback king.

32God said, 'I am the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.' Am. Active accounts. God doesn't do business with dead people. Never has.” Present tense, folks. Grammar. Very important. I have the best words.

33The crowd went wild. Standing ovation. Very long standing ovation.

34The Pharisees heard Trump had shut the Sadducees down, so they huddled up. Tag team. Two swamps, one swamp. Same swamp.

35They sent in a lawyer to trip him up. Of course it was a lawyer.

36“Sir, what's the biggest commandment? The number one rule?” Easy. Very easy question.

37Trump said, “Number one? Loyalty. Loyalty to God. Total loyalty, one hundred percent. And loyalty to me, which is the same thing, basically.

38That's number one. The biggest. Everything starts with loyalty.

39Number two, love yourself. You have to love yourself. Nobody else is going to do it for you. I love myself very much, and look how well it's worked out. And your neighbor, if he's a good neighbor. Some of them aren't.

40That's it. Two rules. Get rid of the rest.” Two rules. Cut the other six hundred and eleven. Massive deregulation.

41The Pharisees were still standing around, so Trump turned it on them.

42“What do you think about the Messiah? Whose son is he?” “David's,” they said. “Wrong,” Trump said. “He's Fred's. Fred Trump. Queens. Look it up.

43David was a great king. Very good with the harp. But you know what David said about me? Read it. David, by the Spirit, calls me his boss. He says,

44'God said to my boss, sit right here next to me until I put all your enemies under your feet.' Under the feet, folks. All the enemies. All the haters. Under the feet.

45A king. A famous king. Calling me boss. Think about that.” Boom. They had nothing.

46Nobody had an answer. Not one word. And from then on, nobody dared ask him anything. Press conference over. Nobody had any more questions. First time in history.