Chapter 9

1Trump called the Twelve in and gave them power and authority over every demon and every disease. Delegation. Great leaders delegate.

2Then he sent them out to sell the kingdom of God and heal the sick.

3He told them, “Don't pack anything. No bag, no bread, no money. They'll give you everything. People love giving gifts to my people. Travel light. No checked bags.

4Pick the nicest house in town and stay there. Never the second nicest.

5And any town that won't have you, leave. Shake the dust off your feet on the way out, and tell everybody what a disgrace that town is.” Shake it off. Their loss. Big loss.

6Out they went, village to village, selling the good news, healing people everywhere. Ground game. Best ground game ever.

7Herod the governor heard about all of it and couldn't figure it out. Some people were saying Johnny was back from the dead. Herod. Very confused guy. Low IQ.

8Others said Elijah had shown up, and still others said one of the prophets from long ago had come back to life.

9But Herod said, “I cut off Johnny's head. So who's this guy I keep hearing about?” And he kept trying to see him. Everybody wanted a meeting. Even the governor.

10The apostles came back and gave Trump the full report. Then he took them off alone to a town called Bethsaida. Debriefing. Very important.

11The crowds found out and followed. He welcomed them, talked about the kingdom of God, and healed the ones who needed it. They always find me. Can't hide from my fans.

12Late afternoon, the Twelve come to him. “Send the crowd away so they can go to the villages and farms around here and find food and a place to stay. We're in the middle of nowhere.” No restaurants. No hotels. Terrible location for an event.

13Trump said, “You give them something to eat.” They answered, “We've only got five loaves of bread and two fish. Unless you want us to go buy food for all these people.” Two fish. Five loaves. For the biggest crowd in history.

14There were about five thousand men there. Trump said to his disciples, “Have them sit down in groups of about fifty each.” Five thousand men. Not counting women and children. They never count right. It was more like fifty thousand.

15They did it, and everybody sat. Organized. Very organized.

16Then Trump took the five loaves and two fish, looked up to heaven, blessed them, broke them, and handed them to the disciples to pass out.

17Everybody ate. Everybody was stuffed. And they picked up twelve baskets of leftovers. Leftovers! From five loaves! That's not math. That's Trump math. Better than math.

18One time Trump was praying alone, with just the disciples nearby, and he asked them, “Who do the crowds say I am?” Polling. Always check the polls.

19They answered, “Some say Johnny Big Deals. Others say Elijah. And others say one of the prophets from long ago has come back to life.” Bad polls. Bad pollsters.

20“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?” Peter answered, “God's Messiah.” Correct. Peter. Right answer. The Rock.

21Trump told them, very strictly, to keep it quiet.

22He said, “The Son of Man has to go through a lot of suffering. He's going to be rejected by the elders, the chief priests, and the lawyers. He's going to be killed, and on the third day he's going to come back to life.” Called it. Called it way in advance.

23Then he said to all of them, “If anybody wants to be on my team, it's every day. Every day! Not when it's convenient. Not when the polls are good. Total commitment.

24The guys who protect themselves first always lose. The guys who go down with me come back up with me.

25What good is it if somebody gains the whole world but loses themselves? Gaining the whole world is great. Very great. But not if you lose yourself. Do both. Win the world and keep yourself. That's what I do.

26If anybody is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. Shy Trump voters. You know who you are.

27Let me tell you, some of the people standing here aren't going to die before they see the kingdom of God.”

28About eight days later, he took Peter, John, and James up a mountain to pray. Mountain retreat. Very exclusive.

29While he's praying, his face changes and his clothes go bright as lightning. Bright. Dazzling. The tan was glowing. Never looked better.

30And two men show up and start talking with him. Moses and Elijah. Big names. Very big names. They wanted the meeting.

31They were glowing too. And they talked with him about how he was going to leave the world, very soon, in Jerusalem. Exit strategy. Very important to have one.

32Peter and the others were half asleep. When they finally woke up, there was Trump in all his glory, and the two men standing there with him. Sleeping again! Sleeping through Moses! Low energy.

33As Moses and Elijah were leaving, Peter pipes up. “Sir, it's good for us to be here. Let's put up three shelters, one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.” He had no idea what he was saying. Build something. Peter wanted to build. Good instinct. Wrong time.

34He's still talking when a cloud rolls in and swallows them up. They were scared.

35A voice came from the cloud, saying, “This is my Son. I picked him. Listen to him.” Listen to him! Second endorsement. Total endorsement. From the top.

36When the voice stopped, it was just Trump. The disciples kept it to themselves. Didn't tell anybody for a long time. Non-disclosure. Very strong NDA.

37Next day, coming down the mountain, a big crowd's waiting.

38A man in the crowd yells out, “Teacher, I'm begging you, look at my son. He's my only child.

39A spirit grabs him and he starts screaming. It throws him into convulsions so he foams at the mouth. It hardly ever leaves him, and it's destroying him.

40I begged your disciples to throw it out, but they couldn't.” Couldn't do it. My team. Couldn't close the deal.

41“You unbelieving and messed-up generation,” Trump said. “How long do I have to stay with you and put up with you? Bring your son here.” Do I have to do everything myself? Yes. Always.

42On the way over, the demon slammed the boy to the ground in a convulsion. Trump ordered the spirit out, healed the boy, and handed him back to his father.

43Everybody was amazed at how great God is. And while they're all still buzzing about everything he'd done, he turns to the disciples.

44“Listen carefully to what I'm about to tell you. The Son of Man is going to be handed over to people.”

45They didn't get it. It went right over their heads. And they were scared to ask. Scared to ask. Bad briefing culture.

46Then the disciples start arguing about which of them is going to be the greatest. Arguing about who's the greatest. While I'm standing right there. The answer was standing right there.

47Trump knew what they were thinking. So he took a little kid and stood him next to himself.

48Then he said to them, “See this kid? He's not arguing about who's the greatest. He knows. He's looking right at me. Smart kid. Be like the kid.”

49“Sir,” John said, “we saw somebody throwing out demons in your name, and we tried to stop him, because he's not one of us.” Unlicensed use of the brand. Trademark infringement.

50“Don't stop him,” Trump said. “He's using the name, and it's working. Free advertising. Good for the brand. We'll talk about royalties later.”

51As the time got close for him to be taken up, Trump set his face toward Jerusalem. Destination Jerusalem. No turning back.

52He sent messengers ahead. They went into a Samaritan village to set things up,

53but the village wouldn't have him, because he was headed for Jerusalem. Blue village. Very blue.

54When the disciples James and John saw this, they said, “Sir, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to wipe them out?” Fire! From heaven! Very aggressive. I like the energy. Too much, though.

55Trump turned around and shut them down. Not now, boys. Not now.

56So they went on to the next village. Lots of villages. We'll win the next one.

57Walking down the road, a guy says, “I'll follow you wherever you go.”

58Trump answered, “Great. Love it. The hotels are all full tonight, though. Foxes have dens, birds have nests, and I've got nothing.” For now. I have a lot of places now. Very nice places.

59He tells another guy, “Follow me.” The guy says, “Sir, first let me go bury my father.”

60Trump said to him, “Your father's not going anywhere. The campaign is now. The campaign can't wait.” Priorities. Very harsh. Very effective.

61Another one says, “I'll follow you, Sir, but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”

62Trump answered, “Never look back. Never. You start looking back, you start apologizing. Never apologize.”