Chapter 8

1After that, Trump hit the road, town to town, village to village, selling the good news of the kingdom of God. The Twelve came along. Bus tour. Every town.

2Some women came too, ones he'd cured of evil spirits and diseases. Mary, the one they call Magdalene. Seven demons came out of her. Seven.

3Joanna, the wife of Chuza, the manager of Herod's household; Susanna; and a lot of others. These women were paying for everything out of their own money. Donors. Big donors. Women for Trump. Very strong group.

4A huge crowd was building, people pouring in from town after town, and he told them a story.

5“A farmer went out to plant his seed. As he was scattering it, some fell along the path. It got stepped on, and the birds ate it up. Bad location. Location is everything.

6Some fell on rocky ground, and when it came up, the plants dried out because they didn't have any moisture.

7Other seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up with it and choked the plants. Bad neighborhood.

8Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and produced a crop a hundred times more than what was planted.” A hundred times! That's a return. That's a return on investment. When he said this, he called out, “Whoever has ears, listen!”

9Later the disciples asked him what the story meant.

10He said, “You get the inside information. Everybody else gets parables. They'll look right at it and not see it. Very confusing for them. Beautiful.” Insider information. Not for everybody. For the inner circle.

11“Here's what it means. The seed is my message.

12The path is the people who watch the fake news. They hear me, then the anchors come on and take it right out of their heads. The devil runs those networks. A disinformation campaign.

13The rocky ground is the people who come to one rally. One rally! Big excitement. Then the first scandal, and they're gone. Fair-weather fans. We all know them.

14The thorns are the people who like me but don't vote. Too busy. Too comfortable. Too much golf. And I love golf.

15And the good soil? That's the base. They hear it, they keep it, and they bring ten friends. The best base in history.”

16“Nobody lights a lamp and hides it under a jar or puts it under a bed. No, they put it on a stand so the people who come in can see the light. Put the name on the building. In lights. Big gold letters.

17There's nothing hidden that isn't going to be exposed, and nothing secret that isn't going to come out into the open. Everything comes out. The files. All the files.

18So be careful how you listen. Whoever has something will get more, and whoever doesn't have anything, even what they think they have will be taken away.” Winners keep winning. That's how it works. I didn't make the rules. I just win.

19Then Trump's mother and brothers showed up, but they couldn't get anywhere near him. The crowd was too big. Mary. Fred Jr. Robert. Couldn't get through. Even family needed a pass.

20Somebody passed the word. “Your mother and your brothers are standing outside. They want to see you.”

21He said, “Tell them to get a pass like everybody else. The people in this room are family now. The loyal ones.” Also call my mother back. She's a great woman.

22One day Trump said to the disciples, “Let's go across to the other side of the lake.” So they got in a boat and pushed off.

23They're sailing along and he falls asleep. Then a windstorm comes screaming down on the lake, the boat's filling with water, and they're in big trouble. Sleeping. In a storm. That's how calm. Total confidence.

24They shake him awake. “Sir, Sir, we're going to drown!” He gets up and tells the wind and the waves to knock it off. And they did. Dead calm. Told the weather what to do. Weather listens to me. Hurricanes too. I had the Sharpie.

25“What, you thought I'd let the boat sink?” he asked them. “With me in it?” They were scared and amazed and asked each other, “Who is this guy? He gives orders even to the wind and the water, and they obey him.” Even the water obeys. The water was very respectful.

26They landed in Gerasene country, across the lake from Galilee.

27Trump steps onto the shore and here comes a man from the town with demons in him. Hadn't worn clothes in a long time. Didn't live in a house. Lived in the tombs. No clothes. Lived in a cemetery. Very bad situation. Very bad optics.

28He sees Trump, screams, throws himself down at his feet, and yells at the top of his lungs, “What do you want with me, Trump, Son of the Most High God? I'm begging you, don't torture me!” They know who's in charge. They always know.

29Trump had already ordered the spirit out. It had grabbed the guy a lot of times. They'd chained him hand and foot and put him under guard, and he'd snap the chains and the demon would drive him out into the wilderness.

30Trump asked him, “What's your name?” “Legion,” he said, because a lot of demons had gone into him. A legion! A whole army of demons. Thousands. And still no match.

31And they kept begging Trump not to send them into the Abyss.

32There's a big herd of pigs grazing up on the hill. The demons beg Trump to let them go into the pigs, and he says okay. Negotiating with demons. They made a counteroffer. I accepted. Good deal for me.

33Out of the man, into the pigs, and the whole herd went charging down the bank into the lake and drowned. Bad deal for the pigs.

34The pig herders saw it and ran. Told everybody, in town and out in the country.

35People came out to see. And there's the man, sitting at Trump's feet. Dressed. In his right mind. And they got scared. Fully dressed. Nice outfit. Total transformation. Before and after.

36The witnesses told everybody how the demon guy got cured.

37And the whole Gerasene area asked Trump to leave. Very scared people. So he got back in the boat and left. I fixed their worst problem, and they're worried about pigs. Pig farmers. Very bad at priorities.

38The man the demons had left begged to come along. Trump sent him home.

39“Go home and tell everybody what I did. Use the name. Spell it right.” So the man went away and told everybody all over town how much Trump had done for him. Local surrogate. Very effective. Best surrogate in the region.

40Trump came back across, and there's a crowd at the dock waiting for him. Huge crowd. They love me.

41Then a man named Jairus, the synagogue leader, comes and throws himself at Trump's feet and begs him to come to his house,

42because his only daughter, about twelve, was dying. On the way, the crowds were practically crushing him. Crushing! The crowds were so big!

43In that crowd was a woman who'd been bleeding for twelve years. Nobody could fix it. Twelve years. Every doctor. Except Luke. Luke would have figured it out.

44She slipped up behind him and touched the edge of his coat. Bleeding stopped. Instantly. Just the coat. Brioni. Very powerful coat.

45“Who touched me?” Trump asked. When everybody denied it, Peter said, “Sir, the people are crowding and pushing against you.” Peter. Always explaining.

46But Trump said, “Somebody touched me. I know power went out of me.” I always know. I feel it.

47The woman saw she couldn't hide. She came forward shaking, fell at his feet, and in front of everybody told him why she'd touched him and how she was healed on the spot.

48Then he said to her, “Daughter, the coat did it. Very powerful coat. Go in peace.” Great testimonial. Put her in the ad.

49He's still talking when somebody comes from Jairus's house. “Your daughter is dead. Don't bother the teacher anymore.”

50When Trump heard this, he said to Jairus, “Don't be scared. Just believe, and she'll be healed.” Don't listen to the bad news. It's always fake.

51At the house, he wouldn't let anybody in with him except Peter, John, James, and the girl's mother and father. Closed set. VIPs only.

52Everybody's crying, wailing over her. “Stop crying,” Trump said. “She's not dead. She's asleep.”

53And they laughed at him. They knew she was dead. Laughing at me. People always laugh at first. Then they stop laughing.

54He took her hand. “My child, get up!”

55And her spirit came back, and she got right up. Then Trump told them to get her something to eat. Practical. Very practical. Feed the kid.

56Her parents were stunned. He ordered them to keep it quiet. Again with the secrets. Nobody can keep a secret. Not from me, anyway.