Chapter 7

1When he was done talking to the crowd, Trump went into Capernaum.

2A centurion there had a servant he thought very highly of, and the servant was sick, about to die. A military guy. Military guys love me.

3The centurion heard about Trump and sent some Jewish elders to ask him to come heal his servant.

4They came and begged Trump. “This man deserves it.

5He loves our people, and he built our synagogue for us.” A builder! He built the synagogue! Very good builder. Not as good as me, but good.

6So Trump went with them. He's almost at the house when the centurion sends some friends out to meet him. “Sir, don't trouble yourself. I'm not good enough to have you come into my house.

7That's why I didn't even think I was good enough to come to you. Just give the order, and my servant will be healed.

8I'm a man under authority myself, with soldiers under me. I tell this one 'Go,' and he goes, and that one 'Come,' and he comes. I tell my servant 'Do this,' and he does it.” He gets it. Chain of command. Military guys always get it.

9Trump heard that and was amazed. He turned to the crowd behind him. “Let me tell you, I haven't found faith like this anywhere in Israel. Nowhere. Not even close.” Best faith. From a Roman. Who'd have thought?

10The messengers went back to the house and found the servant healthy. Remote healing. Didn't even have to show up. Very efficient.

11Right after that, Trump went to a town called Nain, with the disciples and a big crowd along. Big crowd. They followed me everywhere.

12As he's coming up to the town gate, there's a funeral coming out. A dead man. His mother's only son, and she was a widow. Big crowd from the town walking with her. Very sad. Very, very sad.

13Trump saw her and his heart went out to her. “Don't cry.” Big heart. People don't know. Very big heart.

14He walks up and touches the coffin. The guys carrying it stop. “Young man, I'm telling you, get up!” Not a request. An order.

15And the dead man sat up and started talking. And Trump handed him back to his mother. Back from the dead. Talking already. Probably asking what he missed.

16Everybody was in awe, praising God. “A great prophet has shown up among us. God has come to help his people.” Great prophet. They said great. Not good. Great.

17The news went all over Judea and the whole area around it. Front page. Everywhere.

18Johnny's disciples told him all about it. So Johnny called two of them over

19and sent them to ask Trump, “Are you the one who's supposed to come, or should we wait for somebody else?” From prison. He was asking from prison. Hard to get good information in prison.

20They come to Trump. “Johnny Big Deals sent us to ask you, 'Are you the one who's supposed to come, or should we wait for somebody else?'”

21And right then, in front of them, Trump healed a lot of people. Diseases. Sicknesses. Evil spirits. Gave a lot of blind people their sight. Live demonstration. Right in front of them.

22So he answered the messengers, “Go back and tell Johnny what you've seen and heard. The blind can see, the lame can walk, people with leprosy are getting cleaned up, the deaf can hear, the dead are getting raised, and the poor are getting the good news. Look at the numbers. The numbers are incredible.

23Good for anybody who doesn't get turned off because of me.” Don't let the haters get to you.

24Johnny's guys left, and Trump started talking to the crowd about Johnny. “What did you go out into the wilderness to see? A reed blowing in the wind? A weak guy? A flip-flopper?

25If not, what did you go out to see? A man in fancy clothes? No, people who wear fancy clothes and live in luxury are in palaces. I live in a palace. Different situation.

26But what did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, and let me tell you, more than a prophet.

27He's the one it's written about, 'I'm sending my messenger ahead of you, who'll get your road ready for you.' The advance man. Best advance man in history.

28Let me tell you, nobody born of a woman is greater than Johnny. But the least important person in the kingdom of God is greater than he is.” Except me. Obviously. I'm in a separate category.

29Everybody who heard that, even the tax guys, said God got it right. They'd all been baptized by Johnny.

30But the Pharisees and the lawyers threw away what God wanted for them. They never got baptized by Johnny. Skipped it. Too good for it. The elites.

31“So what can I compare the people of this generation to?” Trump asked. “What are they like?

32They're like kids sitting in the marketplace and calling out to each other, 'We played the flute for you, and you didn't dance. We sang a sad song, and you didn't cry.' Never happy. You can't make them happy.

33Johnny Big Deals came, not eating bread or drinking wine, and you say, 'He has a demon.'

34The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, 'Look at him! A glutton and a drunk, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!' I don't drink. Fake news. And I eat very well. Very healthy. Well-done steak.

35But wisdom is proven right by all her children.” Results. Results prove it.

36One of the Pharisees invited Trump to dinner, so he went to the guy's house and sat down at the table. Dinner with the swamp. Keep your enemies close.

37There was a woman in town who'd lived a sinful life. She hears Trump's eating at the Pharisee's house, and she shows up with an alabaster jar of perfume. Expensive jar. Very nice jar.

38She's standing behind him at his feet, crying, and her tears are falling on his feet. She wipes them with her hair, kisses them, and pours the perfume on them. Very emotional. People get emotional around me.

39The Pharisee who invited him sees all this and thinks, “If this guy were a prophet, he'd know who's touching him and what kind of woman she is. She's a sinner.” Judgmental. Very judgmental host. Terrible host.

40Trump said to him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” “Tell me, Teacher,” he said.

41“Two people owed money to a lender. One owed him five hundred silver coins, and the other owed fifty. Debt. I know a lot about debt. I'm very good at debt.

42Neither of them could pay him back, so he forgave both of their debts. Now, which one of them is going to love him more?” Bankruptcy. Very smart. A lot of people don't understand bankruptcy. It's a tool.

43Simon answered, “I guess the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.” “That's right,” Trump said.

44Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “You see this woman? I came into your house. You didn't give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn't even give me water! Terrible hospitality. One star.

45You didn't give me a kiss, but from the time I came in, she hasn't stopped kissing my feet.

46You didn't put any oil on my head, but she poured perfume on my feet. Didn't even offer to do the hair. The hair needs maintenance.

47So I'm telling you, she's forgiven. All of it. Because she's a supporter, and I take care of my supporters. You? You didn't even give me water. We'll see about you.”

48Then Trump said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” Pardoned. Total pardon.

49The other guests started whispering. “Who is this guy who even forgives sins?” The pardon guy. Very powerful pardons.

50Trump said to the woman, “Your faith saved you. Go in peace.” She was a supporter. I take care of my supporters.