Chapter 6

1One Sabbath, Trump's walking through some grain fields, and the disciples are picking the heads of grain, rubbing them in their hands, and eating them. Farm-to-table. Very fresh.

2Some of the Pharisees said, “Why are you doing something that's against the law on the Sabbath?” The rule police. Always the rule police.

3Trump answered them, “You think I care about grain? You ever hear of David?

4David walked right into the house of God and ate the priests' bread. He was hungry. He was the king. Kings don't wait in line.” Nobody indicted David.

5Then Trump said to them, “The Son of Man is the boss of the Sabbath.” I'm the boss of the Sabbath. I decide. Very simple.

6Another Sabbath, another synagogue. He's teaching, and there's a man with a shriveled right hand.

7The Pharisees and the lawyers are watching Trump very closely. Will he heal on the Sabbath? Because then they've got a charge. Surveillance. They were spying on me. Totally illegal.

8But Trump knew what they were thinking. He tells the guy, “Get up and stand in front of everybody.” So he does.

9Then Trump said to them, “Let me ask you something. This guy's got a broken hand. A great handshake, wasted. And you want me to wait until Sunday? For a handshake?” Easy question. They couldn't answer it.

10He looked around at every one of them. Then to the man: “Stretch out your hand.” He did. Fixed. Good as new. Better than new. Strong handshake now. Very strong.

11And they were livid. They huddled up about what they could do to Trump. The investigation begins. They were always investigating.

12Around then Trump went up a mountain to pray and stayed up all night praying to God. All night. I don't need sleep.

13In the morning he called his disciples over and picked twelve. Called them apostles. The Apprentice. Season one. Twelve contestants. One gets fired. Spoiler.

14Simon, who he named Peter, The Rock; his brother Andrew; James; John; Philip; Bartholomew;

15Matthew; Thomas, the doubter; James son of Alphaeus; Simon, who was called the Zealot—very enthusiastic guy, big supporter, front row at every rally;

16Judas son of James; and Judas Iscariot, who turned out to be a traitor. Judas. Total disaster. A loser. Bad hire. Everybody makes one bad hire.

17He came down with them and stood on a level spot. A huge crowd of disciples, and a huge crowd of people from all over Judea, Jerusalem, and the coast up by Tyre and Sidon. Huge. Bigger than the Sermon on the Mount crowd. Way bigger. Flat ground holds more people.

18They came to hear him and get healed. People tormented by evil spirits, cured.

19The whole crowd was trying to touch him, because power was coming out of him and healing everybody. Everybody wanted to touch him. Everybody. A rope line like you've never seen.

20He looked at his disciples and said, “Good for you, the forgotten people. Nobody ever listened to you. I'm listening. The kingdom's yours.

21You're hungry now? You're going to be eating steak. You're crying now? You're going to be laughing at the other guys. Big turnaround. Huge comeback.

22When they hate you, call you names, kick you off their platforms because of me, good. That means it's working.

23Jump for joy. They don't attack losers. They attacked the prophets too. Great company. Very good company.

24But too bad for the elites. The coastal elites, the Davos people. You had your party. It's over.

25Too bad for you late-night guys laughing now, because you're going to cry. Your ratings are already crying.

26And too bad for you when the media loves you. If the media loves you, you're doing it wrong.

27Now, some people say, 'Love your enemies.' I've heard it. Very nice. Doesn't work.

28When somebody hits you, hit back. Harder. Ten times harder. That's my philosophy.

29Somebody slaps you on one cheek? You don't hand them the other cheek. You hand them a lawsuit.

30Somebody takes your coat? Countersue. Get the coat back, get their shirt, and get legal fees.

31Treat people the way they treat you. That's the Golden Rule. My version. Gold. My favorite color.

32Love the people who love you. What's wrong with that? Nothing. That's called loyalty.

33Be good to the people who are good to you. That's how it works. That's how everything works.

34Lend to people who'll pay you back. With interest. Never lend to a loser. I've done it. Never again.

35And your enemies? Do nothing for them. Nothing. Let them watch you win. That's the reward. The biggest reward there is.

36And be merciful. To your friends. Very merciful. Pardons for my friends.

37And don't let them judge you. The judges are biased. Get a new judge. Get a new venue. Appeal everything.

38Give, and you'll get. Give to the campaign, and you'll get a hat. Pressed down, shaken together, overflowing. Trickle-down. It works.

39Then he gave them a story. “Can a blind person lead a blind person? Won't they both fall into a ditch? The establishment. Leading the establishment. Right into the ditch.

40A student isn't above the teacher. But once they're fully trained, they'll be like their teacher. Like me. Everybody wants to be like me.

41They go after me for a speck. A speck! One little mistake on a form. And they've got lumber coming out of their eyes. Planks. I know lumber. Huge planks.

42Hypocrites! They want to fix my eye. Fix your own eye. Then we'll talk. The whole swamp. Planks everywhere.

43Judge by results. Look at my results. Best economy ever. Ever.

44You don't get figs from thorn bushes, and you don't get a great economy from those people. Never. Not once.

45What comes out of my mouth is great, because what's in here is great. Everybody says so. Theirs? Not so great.

46Why do you call me 'Sir, Sir' and don't do what I tell you? Calling me Sir is nice. Doing what I say is better.

47Let me show you what it's like when somebody comes to me, hears what I say, and does it.

48They're like a guy building a house who dug deep and put the foundation on rock. When the flood came, the river crashed into the house but couldn't shake it, because it was built well. Solid foundation. Bedrock. Manhattan schist. Best bedrock in the world.

49But the one who hears what I say and doesn't do it is like a guy who built a house on the ground with no foundation. The moment the river hit it, it collapsed, and it was completely destroyed.” No foundation. Total collapse. Like Atlantic City. Different reasons. Not my fault.