Chapter 11

1Trump's finishing up praying somewhere, and one of the disciples comes up. “Sir, teach us how to pray, like Johnny taught his disciples.” Good question. Learn from the best.

2He told them, “When you pray, say, 'Father, your name is great. Very great. The best name. Let's get the kingdom going. Soon. Short. Simple. Very strong.

3Give us everything we need. Plenty of bread. Plenty of everything.

4And forgive us. Not that we did anything wrong. We didn't. But just in case. And the people who owe us? We're collecting. And keep the losers away from us.'” Very good prayer. Perfect prayer. People cry when they hear it.

5Then he said to them, “Say one of you has a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread,

6because a friend of mine on a trip just showed up at my place, and I don't have anything to give him.' Unexpected guest. No food in the house. Embarrassing.

7And the guy inside answers, 'Leave me alone. The door's already locked, and my kids and I are in bed. I can't get up and give you anything.'

8Let me tell you, even if he won't get up and give you the bread because you're his friend, he'll get up and give you as much as you need because you won't stop bugging him. Persistence. Never give up. Keep knocking. Knock all night. That's how you close.

9So I'm telling you, ask and it'll be given to you. Search and you'll find. Knock and the door will be opened for you.

10Everybody who asks gets. Whoever searches finds. And whoever knocks, the door gets opened. Ask for everything. Ask big. Never ask small.

11Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?

12Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? Fred never gave me a scorpion. A small loan. A million dollars. Small.

13So if you, even though you're evil, know how to give good gifts to your kids, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to the people who ask him!” Big gifts. The biggest gifts.

14Trump threw a demon out of a man who couldn't talk. The demon left, the guy started talking, and the crowd went wild.

15But some of them started a rumor. “He's throwing out demons by Beelzebul, the prince of demons.” Conspiracy theory. Crazy conspiracy theory.

16Others wanted a sign from heaven. A test. More proof. Always more proof. Never enough proof for these people.

17Trump knew what they were thinking and said to them, “Any kingdom divided against itself is going to be ruined, and a house divided against itself is going to fall. A house divided. Lincoln said that. Lincoln got it from me.

18If Satan is divided against himself, how can his kingdom last? I'm asking because you say I throw out demons by Beelzebul. Makes no sense. Zero sense.

19Now if I throw out demons by Beelzebul, who do your followers throw them out by? So they'll be your judges.

20But if I throw out demons by the finger of God, then the kingdom of God has come to you. One finger. That's all it takes.

21When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own house, his stuff is safe.

22But when somebody stronger attacks and beats him, he takes away the armor the man was counting on and splits up the loot. Somebody stronger. Always somebody stronger. Me. I'm the somebody.

23Whoever isn't with me is against me, and whoever doesn't gather with me scatters. You're with me or against me. No in-between. No RINOs.

24When an evil spirit comes out of a person, it goes through dry places looking for rest and doesn't find any. Then it says, 'I'll go back to the house I left.'

25When it gets there, it finds the house swept clean and fixed up. Nice renovation. Very clean.

26Then it goes and takes seven other spirits worse than itself, and they go in and live there. And that person ends up worse off than before.” Bad tenants. Seven of them. Evict immediately.

27He's in the middle of all this when a woman in the crowd shouts, “Blessed is the mother who gave birth to you and nursed you!” Great woman. My mother. She agreed.

28He replied, “That's right. Great woman. And the people who listen to me, them too. Very blessed. Not as blessed as her.” My mother. She agreed with that too.

29The crowds kept getting bigger, and Trump said, “This is a disloyal generation. They want a sign. They're getting one sign. Jonah. Bigger crowds. Bigger every time.

30Jonah went down for three days and came back up, and the whole city of Nineveh switched sides. Same deal coming here. Bigger.

31The Queen of Sheba came from the ends of the earth to hear Solomon. Big trip. Great woman. And somebody bigger than Solomon is standing right here, and you won't walk across the street. Solomon. Very rich. Very wise. Not as rich as me. Not as wise.

32Nineveh listened to Jonah the first time. One speech. The whole city flipped. You people have heard me a hundred times. Nothing. Greater than Jonah. Greater than Solomon. Very greater.

33Never hide your light. Put your name on it. In lights. Big gold letters, top of the building.

34And my eyes? Perfect. Twenty-twenty. My doctor says so.

35Theirs? Very dark. They look right at the numbers and see nothing.

36If your whole body is full of light, with no part of it dark, it'll be completely lit up, like when a lamp shines its light on you.” Lit up. Like Trump Tower at night. Beautiful.

37When he finished, a Pharisee invited him to lunch. So he went in and sat down. Another swamp dinner. They kept inviting me. They couldn't stay away.

38The Pharisee was shocked that Trump didn't do the official hand-washing first. I'm a germaphobe. Everybody knows that. But not their way. My own way.

39Then Trump said to him, “Wash? Your way? I've seen your way. Everybody dipping their hands in the same bowl. Disgusting. I've got my own way. Very clean.

40You people worry about hands. Worry about your numbers.

41Your numbers are terrible.

42Too bad for you Pharisees, because you count every leaf of mint, every little herb, very precise, and meanwhile the roads are falling apart and the temple roof leaks. Counting the mint. Bad accountants. Very bad.

43Too bad for you Pharisees, because you love the most important seats in the synagogues and getting greeted with respect in the marketplaces. Want the good seats. I have the good seats. I earned them.

44You're like unmarked graves. People walk right over you and don't even know what's down there.” Hidden. Like the deep state. You walk over it and you don't even know.

45One of the lawyers pipes up. “Teacher, when you say these things, you're insulting us too.” Very sensitive. Thin-skinned lawyers.

46Trump replied, “And too bad for you lawyers, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you won't lift one finger to help them. Regulations. Endless regulations. I cut them. Cut them all.

47Too bad for you. You build monuments to the prophets. Your own people killed them. Now you build the monuments. Very convenient.

48So you're witnesses that you approve of what your ancestors did. They killed the prophets, and you build their tombs. Bad builders. Building tombs. Build hotels.

49So God said, I'll send them prophets and apostles. They'll kill some. They'll hunt down the rest. Witch hunt after witch hunt.

50And this generation is going to pay for every prophet they ever killed. Every one. Since the beginning.

51Abel to Zechariah. The whole list. Very long list. This generation pays for all of it. The bill's coming due.

52Too bad for you lawyers, because you've taken away the key to knowledge. You didn't go in yourselves, and you've stopped the people who were trying to go in.” Gatekeepers. Blocking everybody. Total obstruction.

53Trump walked out, and the Pharisees and the lawyers came after him hard. Question after question.

54waiting to catch him in something he might say. Gotcha questions. Every press conference. Waiting for a slip. I never slip.