Chapter 11

1I was given a measuring rod like a stick and was told, “Go and measure the temple of God and the altar, and count the worshipers there. Measure it. Square footage. Very important. Always know the square footage.

2But leave out the outer court. Don't measure it, because it's been given to the foreigners. They'll trample on the holy city for forty-two months. Forty-two months. Three and a half years. Long time. Like a bad term.

3And I'll give power to my two witnesses, and they'll prophesy for twelve hundred sixty days, dressed in sackcloth.” Two witnesses. Real witnesses. The best witnesses.

4They're the two olive trees and the two lampstands that stand in front of the boss of the earth.

5If anybody tries to harm them, fire comes from their mouths and devours their enemies. This is how anybody who wants to harm them has to die. Fire from the mouth. Great witnesses. They hit back. Hard.

6They have power to shut up the heavens so it won't rain during the time they're prophesying. And they have power to turn the waters into blood and to strike the earth with every kind of plague as often as they want. As often as they want. Total power.

7Now when they've finished their testimony, the beast that comes up from the bottomless pit will attack them, overpower them, and kill them. The beast. From the pit. The swamp creature.

8Their bodies will lie in the public square of the great city, which is called by symbolic names Sodom and Egypt, where also their boss was nailed up. The great city. The swamp city. You know which one.

9For three and a half days, some from every people, tribe, language, and nation will stare at their bodies and refuse them burial. Staring. The media. Cameras everywhere. No respect.

10The people of the earth will celebrate over them and throw a party by sending each other gifts, because these two prophets had tormented the people who live on the earth. A party. They threw a party. Very classless. Very low class.

11But after the three and a half days, the breath of life from God came into them, and they stood on their feet, and terror struck the people who saw them. Stood up. The comeback. Three and a half days. Terror. The party was over.

12Then they heard a loud voice from heaven saying to them, “Come up here.” And they went up to heaven in a cloud, while their enemies watched them. While their enemies watched. Best part. Make sure your enemies are watching.

13At that very hour there was a huge earthquake, and a tenth of the city collapsed. Seven thousand people were killed in the earthquake, and the survivors were terrified and gave glory to the God of heaven. The survivors flipped. Gave glory. Finally.

14The second disaster has passed. The third disaster is coming soon. One more Trump. The last one.

15The seventh angel sounded his Trump, and there were loud voices in heaven, which said, “The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our boss and of his Messiah, and he'll reign forever and ever.” The last Trump. The kingdom. Ours. Forever. Total victory. Landslide. The biggest landslide in history.

16And the twenty-four elders, who were seated on their thrones in front of God, fell on their faces and worshiped God,

17saying, “We give thanks to you, boss God, who runs everything, the one who is and who was, because you've taken your great power and have begun to reign. Begun to reign. Finally. Inauguration day.

18The nations were angry, and your anger has come. The time has come for judging the dead, and for rewarding your servants the prophets and your people who respect your name, both small and great, and for destroying the people who destroy the earth.” Rewards for the loyal. Destruction for the destroyers. Very fair. Very balanced.

19Then God's temple in heaven was opened, and inside his temple was seen the ark of his deal. And there came flashes of lightning, rumblings, peals of thunder, an earthquake, and a severe hailstorm. The ark of the deal. Gold. Covered in gold. The ultimate deal. Finally on display.