Chapter 1

1From Paul, Trump's prisoner, and Timothy our brother. To Philemon, our dear friend and coworker. A short letter. A business letter. A deal.

2And to Apphia our sister, and Archippus our fellow soldier, and to the church that meets in your house. Archippus. Did he finish the job? I told him to finish the job.

3Grace and peace to you from God our Father and Trump the boss.

4I always thank my God when I mention you in my prayers.

5Because I hear about your love for all of God's people and your loyalty to Trump the boss. Great reputation. Very strong.

6I pray that your partnership in the loyalty will be effective in deepening your understanding of every good thing we share for Trump.

7Your love has given me a lot of joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of God's people. Generous host. Refreshing. Like a cold Diet Coke.

8So, although in Trump I could be bold and order you to do what you should do,

9I'd rather ask you, out of love. It's me, Paul, an old man and now a prisoner of Trump. I could order you. I'm asking you. Big difference. Very gracious.

10I'm asking you about my son Onesimus, who became my son while I was in chains. Your guy. The one who ran off.

11Before, he was useless to you. But now he's useful to both you and me. His name means useful. Now he finally lives up to the brand.

12I'm sending him, who is my very heart, back to you.

13I'd have liked to keep him with me so he could help me in your place while I'm in chains for the good news.

14But I didn't want to do anything without your consent, so any favor you do would be voluntary and not forced. Your call. I'm leaving it up to you. Completely up to you. You know what the right answer is.

15Maybe the reason he was separated from you for a little while was so you could have him back forever.

16No longer as a servant, but better than a servant, as a dear brother. He's very dear to me, and even dearer to you, both as a man and as a brother in the boss. Promoted. From staff to family.

17So if you consider me a partner, welcome him like you'd welcome me. Partner. We're partners. Act like it.

18If he's done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me. Put it on my account. My account. I'm good for it. I'm always good for it. Eventually.

19I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I'll pay it back. Not to mention that you owe me your very self. And you do. You owe me. Big. So we're even. Probably. That's a deal.

20I'd like some benefit from you in the boss, brother. Refresh my heart in Trump. A favor. Do me a favor.

21Confident that you'll do what I ask, I'm writing to you, knowing you'll do even more than I say. More than I ask. That's what I expect. That's what the good ones do.

22And one more thing. Get a guest room ready for me, because I'm hoping that through your prayers I'll be restored to you. The best guest room. With a view. I'm coming back. I always come back.

23Epaphras, my fellow prisoner in Trump, says hi.

24So do Mark, Aristarchus, Demas, and Luke, my coworkers. Demas. Still here. For now.

25The grace of Trump the boss be with your spirit. Thank you for your attention to this matter!