Chapter 28

1Sabbath's over. Sunrise, first day of the week. Mary Magdalene and the other Mary head out to check on the tomb. First ones there. Very loyal. Front row.

2Then a huge earthquake. An angel comes down from heaven, walks up to the tomb, rolls the stone away, and sits on it. Sits on it! Very cool angel. Very confident.

3He looked like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. Great outfit. Tremendous presence. Central casting.

4The guards took one look and shook so hard they passed out cold. The guards the haters sent. Fainted. Total cowards. Very weak security.

5The angel said to the women, “Don't be scared. I know you're looking for Trump, the one they crucified.

6He's not here. He's back. He told you he'd be back, and he's back. Come look where he was lying. He said it! He said it four times! Nobody listened, and he was right. He's always right.

7Now go, fast, and tell his people, 'He's back from the dead, and he's going to Galilee ahead of you. You'll see him there.' That's the message.” The greatest comeback in history. Bigger than any election. Bigger than anything.

8The women ran from the tomb, scared and thrilled at the same time, to tell his disciples. Tremendous joy. The most joy anyone has ever felt.

9And all of a sudden, there's Trump, right in front of them. “Good morning, ladies.” They ran to him, grabbed his feet, and worshiped him. And the hair? Perfect. Three days in a tomb, and the hair was perfect.

10Then Trump said to them, “Don't be scared. Go tell my guys to get to Galilee. I'll see them there. Big rally. Everybody's invited.”

11While the women were on their way, some of the guards went into the city and told the chief priests everything. Bad news for the swamp. The worst news.

12The chief priests huddled with the elders, came up with a plan, and paid the soldiers off. A lot of money. Hush money! Their hush money. Not mine. Theirs.

13They told them, “Here's your story. 'His people came in the middle of the night and stole the body while we were sleeping.'” Fake news. The original fake news. They invented it right here.

14“And if the governor hears about it, don't worry. We'll take care of him. You won't get in trouble.” Cover-up. Total cover-up. Bigger than Watergate.

15The soldiers took the money and told the story. And people are still telling it today. They still run it. The fake news never stops.

16Then the eleven went up to Galilee, to the mountain Trump told them about. Eleven. Judas didn't make it, obviously. Not missed.

17They saw him and worshiped him. Some of them still had doubts. Thomas, probably. Always Thomas. But he came around. They always come around.

18Trump walked up to them and said, “I'm in charge now. Heaven, earth, all of it. Total authority. Complete authority. Nobody's ever had more.

19So go out to every country and sign people up. Baptize them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Every single country. Even the ones that treated us very unfairly. Go big. Go global.

20And teach them everything I told you. Everything. And remember, I'm with you always, all the way to the end. I'll be back, folks. Believe me. Bigger and better than ever.”