Chapter 1

1The beginning of the good news about Donald Trump, the Son of God. Very good news. The best news. Short book, folks. No wasted words. Mark's a very efficient writer. Very fast.

2Isaiah called it a long time ago. He wrote, “I'm sending my guy out ahead of you. He's going to warm up the crowd.

3A loud voice out in the desert, yelling, 'Get the roads ready for the boss! Straighten them out! Big motorcade coming!'”

4So out comes Johnny Big Deals, in the desert, dunking people. “Turn it around, folks. Get dunked, and your sins are gone. Wiped clean. Total amnesty.”

5All of Judea showed up. All of Jerusalem. They admitted what they'd done, and Johnny dunked them in the Jordan. Huge turnout. Not Trump-level. But huge.

6Johnny's look: camel hair, leather belt. Johnny's diet: locusts and wild honey. Locusts! Bugs, folks. He ate bugs. Not a steak man.

7And he told everybody, “Somebody's coming after me who is much bigger than me. Much bigger. I'm not good enough to bend down and tie his shoes. And they're very expensive shoes.

8I dunk you with water. He's going to dunk you with the Holy Spirit. Big upgrade. Huge.”

9Then Trump came down from Trump Tower, and Johnny baptized him in the Jordan. Very historic. Cameras everywhere.

10The second he came up out of the water, the sky split wide open and the Spirit came down on him like a dove. Beautiful dove. Very classy dove.

11And a voice came out of heaven, “You're my Son. My guy. I love you. Couldn't be prouder.” Huge endorsement. The biggest endorsement anybody's ever gotten.

12And right away the Spirit sent him out into the desert. Immediately, folks. Mark loves that word. Everything happens immediately.

13Forty days out there, with Satan testing him. Satan. Total loser. Wild animals all around, and the angels waiting on him. Wild animals loved him. Everybody loves him.

14Then they arrested Johnny. So Trump went up to Galilee and started selling the good news. Very good news. Tremendous news.

15“It's time, folks,” he said. “The kingdom of God is right here. Close. Very close. Turn it around and believe the good news. Not the fake news. The good news.”

16He's walking along the Sea of Galilee and spots Simon and his brother Andrew throwing a net into the lake. Fishermen. Not great fishermen. Cheap net.

17“Drop the nets,” Trump said. “Come work for me. Better pay, better hours, and you'll be on TV. Every night.”

18They dropped the nets on the spot and went with him. Smart move. Very smart. Best career move they ever made.

19A little farther down the shore, there's James, Zebedee's son, and his brother John, sitting in a boat fixing their nets. Family business. Very small business.

20He called them, and they were gone. Left their father Zebedee sitting in the boat with the hired help. Sorry, Zebedee. Business is business.

21They went to Capernaum. Waterfront town. Great location. Sabbath comes, Trump walks into the synagogue and starts teaching.

22People were blown away. He talked like a guy in charge. Not like the lawyers. The lawyers were boring. Very low energy.

23Then, right in the middle of it, a guy with an evil spirit starts screaming,

24“What do you want with us, Trump of Queens? Did you come to destroy us? I know who you are. You're the Holy One of God!” Even the demons know. Everybody knows.

25“Quiet,” Trump said. “Shut up. Get out of him. Now.”

26The spirit threw the guy around and came out of him screaming. Very loud. Very dramatic exit. Sore loser.

27Everybody's turning to each other. “What is this? Brand-new teaching, and he's in charge! He tells the evil spirits what to do, and they do it!”

28Word went all over Galilee. Fast. Viral, folks.

29Right out of the synagogue, they went with James and John over to Simon and Andrew's place. Small house. Nice. But small.

30Simon's mother-in-law was in bed with a fever. They told Trump right away.

31He walked over, took her hand, and pulled her up. Fever gone. And she got up and started serving everybody. Great hostess. Very good snacks.

32That night, after the sun went down, they brought him every sick person in town. Everybody with a demon.

33The whole town showed up at the door. The whole town! Line around the block.

34And Trump healed a lot of them. All kinds of diseases. Threw out a lot of demons. But he wouldn't let the demons talk, because they knew who he was. No leaks. Not even from demons.

35Next morning, still dark, Trump got up, slipped out, and went off somewhere quiet to pray. Up at four. I sleep four hours. Maybe three.

36Simon and the guys went out hunting for him.

37When they found him, they said, “Sir, everybody's looking for you! Everybody!” Of course they are.

38Trump said, “Let's go somewhere else. The towns nearby. I need to talk there too. That's why I came. Big tour. Every town.”

39So he toured all of Galilee. Synagogue after synagogue. Throwing out demons. Sold out everywhere.

40A guy with leprosy came up, got down on his knees, and begged. “Sir, if you want to, you can make me clean.” Smart guy. Knew where to go.

41Trump felt for the guy. He reached out, touched him, and said, “I want to. Done. You're clean.” Touched a leper, folks. Very brave. I'm a germaphobe, and I did it anyway.

42Gone. Just like that. Leprosy gone. Clean. Instant results. Like always.

43Then Trump sent him off with a very strong warning.

44“Don't tell anybody. Nobody. Go show yourself to the priest and do the paperwork Moses wants, so they know you're clean. Do it by the book.”

45But the guy went out and told everybody. Everybody! Told the whole world. So Trump couldn't even go into a town anymore without being mobbed. He had to stay out in the countryside, and people still came from everywhere. Too famous, folks. It's a problem. A good problem.