Chapter 19

1When Trump was done, he left Galilee and took the show to Judea, across the Jordan. Big tour. Sold-out tour.

2Huge crowds came along, and he healed them there. Routine for me at this point. Very routine.

3Some Pharisees came at him with a trap. “Can a man divorce his wife for any reason at all?” A gotcha question. Classic fake news.

4“Let me tell you about marriage,” he said. “I've done it three times. Three beautiful wives. I'm very good at it. Better than anybody.

5And I'll tell you the secret. The prenup. Adam didn't have a prenup. Big mistake. Look what happened. Lost the whole garden.

6You get a great prenup, everything's fine. Ironclad. The best lawyers. Not the crooked ones.” The crooked ones take everything apart. Very expensive.

7“Then why,” they said, “did Moses let people hand their wives a piece of paper and send them away?”

8Trump said, “Because Moses was a dealmaker. He knew you need an exit clause. Every deal needs an exit clause. Every single one.

9So here's the rule. Get the paperwork right, and don't let the tabloids get it first.” Very important rule. The tabloids always get it first.

10The disciples said, “Sir, if that's the deal, maybe it's better not to get married at all.” Peter said that, I think. His mother-in-law lives with him. Can you blame him?

11Trump said, “Not everybody can handle marriage. You need stamina. Tremendous stamina. Most people don't have it.

12Some of you should stay single. Andrew. Definitely Andrew. If you can't handle it, don't do it.” Not for me, folks. I like weddings. Great weddings. At my clubs.

13Then people started bringing their little kids to Trump to get a blessing. Photo op. Great photo op. And the disciples started shooing them away. Bad move. Terrible optics.

14Trump said, “No, no, no. Let the kids come. Don't stop them. The kingdom of heaven belongs to people like this. Kids love me. Tremendous with kids. I've got a lot of them.”

15He put his hands on every one of them, and then moved on. Beautiful moment. They put it on magazine covers.

16Then a guy walks up to Trump. Rich guy. Very rich. Nice robes. You could tell. And he asks, “Sir, what do I have to do to live forever? What's the deal?”

17“Live forever? Great question,” Trump said. “Very smart question. First thing, you have to be a winner. Nobody remembers losers. Losers don't live forever.”

18“How?” the guy asked. Trump said, “Never settle. Never apologize. Never admit you're wrong. Never.

19And when they hit you, hit back. Ten times harder.” That's the whole program. Very simple. Very effective.

20“Done. All of them,” the young man said. “What else? What am I missing?” He was lying. Nobody's kept all of them. Nobody. Believe me.

21Trump said, “You want to be perfect? Here's what you do. Don't sell anything. Never sell. Buy. Buy everything. Real estate, mostly. Then come follow me. And bring the checkbook.”

22The young man walked off scratching his head. He'd come to hear something very different. Very confused. He's on the donor list now. Max contributor.

23Then Trump said to his disciples, “You know who has a very hard time getting into the kingdom? Poor people. I'm sorry. It's true. Have you seen the membership fee?

24It's easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than for a poor guy to get into Mar-a-Lago. Two hundred thousand for the initiation. And that's a bargain.”

25The disciples heard that and panicked. “Sir, then how do we get in? We're fishermen.” Total panic. They thought they'd have to pay.

26Trump looked at them and said, “Relax. You're with me. You're comped. It's not what you have, it's who you know. And you know me.”

27Peter said, “Sir, we gave up everything to follow you. Everything. So what do we get? What's in it for us?” Always negotiating, Peter. I respect it. I hate it, but I respect it.

28Trump said to them, “Here's what you get. When everything's made new, and the Son of Man is sitting on his throne—gold throne, very big, very beautiful—you guys get twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. Cabinet positions. Very senior positions.

29And everybody who gave up a house, or brothers, or sisters, or a father, or a mother, or kids, or land for me, they get a hundred times as much, and they live forever. A hundred times! Show me a better return. You can't. Nobody can.

30But a lot of people who are first are going to be last, and a lot of people who are last are going to be first. Except me. I'm first either way.”