Chapter 16

1Sabbath's over. Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome go buy spices to put on Trump's body. Very loyal. First ones up.

2First day of the week, crack of dawn, just after sunrise, they're on their way to the tomb,

3and on the way they're worrying. “Who's going to roll the stone away for us?” Big stone. Very heavy. Logistics problem.

4They look up, and the stone's already rolled away. Huge stone. Moved. Problem solved. Problems solve themselves around me.

5They walk into the tomb and there's a young man in a white robe sitting on the right side. They were scared. Great outfit. Very sharp.

6“Don't be scared,” he said. “You're looking for Trump of Queens, the one they crucified. He's back! He's not here. Look, here's where they put him. Empty. Totally empty.

7Now go tell his disciples, and Peter, 'He's going ahead of you to Galilee. You'll see him there, just like he told you.'” And Peter. They mentioned Peter by name. Peter got a second chance. I'm very generous.

8The women ran out of there, shaking, stunned, and didn't say a word to anybody. They were scared. Speechless. Biggest news in history, and they were speechless.

9After the comeback, early on the first day of the week, Trump showed up first to Mary Magdalene. The one he'd thrown seven demons out of. Seven demons! Big case. Total success.

10She ran and told the people who'd been with him. They were crying. Mourning. Very sad people. About to get very happy.

11They heard he was alive and she'd seen him, and they didn't believe her. Didn't believe her! Fake news, they said. It wasn't fake news. It was the realest news ever.

12Then he showed up to two of them walking out into the country. Looked a little different. New look. Still great.

13They ran back and told the others. Nobody believed them either. Doubters. Very low faith.

14Then he showed up to the Eleven while they were eating, and he let them have it. Stubborn. No faith. Didn't believe the people who'd seen him. “I told you. I told you four times. And you still didn't believe it?”

15He told them, “Go everywhere in the world. Tell the good news to everybody. Every country. Go big. Go global.

16Whoever believes and gets baptized is saved. Whoever doesn't believe is condemned. Very simple deal. Take it or leave it.

17And people who believe are going to do amazing things. In my name, they'll throw out demons. They'll speak new languages. The best languages.

18They'll pick up snakes with their hands, and if they drink poison, it won't hurt them. They'll put their hands on sick people, and the sick people will get better.” Don't try the poison at home, folks. Very special situation.

19When he was done talking, he was taken up into heaven and sat down right next to God. Best seat in the house. The VIP section. Forever.

20And the disciples went out everywhere spreading the word, and God worked right alongside them, backing it up with miracles. Biggest launch in history. Still going. And he's coming back, folks. Believe me. Bigger and better than ever.