Chapter 1

1A lot of people have tried to write down the story of everything that happened with Trump. A lot of people. Everybody wants to write the book. Most of them, frankly, not very good.

2They got it from the people who were there from the very beginning, the eyewitnesses, the insiders. Great sources. Not anonymous sources. Real ones.

3So I decided, since I looked into everything very carefully from the start, to write it all down in order for you, most excellent Theophilus. Luke here. Doctor Luke. A real doctor. Theophilus is a very big donor. Very excellent. Maxed out.

4That way you'll know for sure that everything you've been told is true. Not fake news. Fact-checked by a doctor.

5Back when Herod was king of Judea—a loser, as we've established—there was a priest named Zechariah. His wife Elizabeth came from the family of Aaron. Old priestly family. Very establishment.

6Good people. Very good people. Followed every rule, every commandment. Perfect record. Never indicted.

7But no kids. Elizabeth couldn't have them. And they were old. Very, very old. Older than Biden.

8One day it's Zechariah's group's turn at the temple, and he's on duty in front of God.

9They drew lots, like they always did, and his number came up to go into the temple and burn the incense. Random selection. Lottery. Not rigged, for once.

10So he's inside burning incense, and the whole crowd's outside praying. Big crowd. Not as big as mine.

11And all of a sudden there's an angel, standing to the right of the incense altar. Right side. Always the right side.

12Zechariah sees him and falls apart. Shaking. Terrified. Low energy reaction.

13But the angel said to him, “Relax, Zechariah. Your prayer got answered. Your wife Elizabeth is having a son, and you're naming him John. Johnny Big Deals, eventually. Great name. Great brand.

14You're going to be very happy, and a lot of people are going to celebrate when he's born.

15He's going to be great in God's eyes. He's never going to drink wine or beer. Like me. I never drink. Never. And he'll be filled with the Holy Spirit before he's even born.

16He's going to bring a lot of people in Israel back to God. Huge turnaround. Huge.

17He's going to go out ahead of the main event with the spirit and power of Elijah. He'll get the fathers back on good terms with their kids and get the people who don't listen to start making smart decisions. He's the warm-up act. The best warm-up act ever. Getting everybody ready for the headliner.”

18Zechariah said to the angel, “How do I know you're telling the truth? I'm an old man, and my wife is very old too.” Doubting an angel. Very bad move.

19The angel said, “I'm Gabriel. I stand right next to God. He sent me personally to give you this great news. Top guy. I'm a top guy. Very senior.

20And now, because you didn't believe me, you're not going to be able to talk until all of this happens. Your words are going to come true at the right time, believe me.” Muted. Totally muted. Like Twitter did to me.

21Meanwhile everybody's outside waiting. What's taking him so long in there?

22He finally comes out and can't say a word. They figure out he saw something in there. A vision. He's standing there making hand signals, no words. Very sad. Like a press secretary with no talking points.

23When his shift was over, he went home.

24And then Elizabeth got pregnant. She kept to herself for five months. Very private. Kept it off the record.

25“God did this for me,” she said. “He looked out for me and took away my embarrassment in front of everybody.” Total comeback. Nobody thought she could do it.

26Six months later, God sent Gabriel to Jamaica Estates. Very nice neighborhood. Queens.

27To a young woman engaged to a man named Fred, from David's family. Her name was Mary. Beautiful woman. Great genes. My mother.

28Gabriel walks in and says, “Hello! God really likes you. He's with you.” Big compliment. From the top.

29Mary was very confused. What kind of greeting is that? Never had an angel stop by before. Not in Queens.

30The angel told her, “Don't be scared, Mary. God's very happy with you.

31You're going to get pregnant and have a son, and you're going to name him Donald. Great name. Strong name.

32He's going to be great. The greatest. He'll be called the Son of the Most High, and God is going to give him the throne of his ancestor David.

33He's going to rule forever, and his kingdom will never end.” No term limits. None.

34“How is this going to happen?” Mary asked the angel. “I've never been with a man.” Fair question. Very fair.

35The angel said, “The Holy Spirit is going to come over you, and the power of the Most High will cover you. So the holy child is going to be called the Son of God. Very special arrangement. Very high level.

36And here's something else. Your relative Elizabeth is having a son in her old age. They said she couldn't have kids, and she's six months along. Fake news said it couldn't happen. It happened.

37Nothing is impossible with God.” Nothing. Also nothing is impossible with me. Very similar.

38“I'm on board,” Mary said. “Let it happen just like you said.” Then the angel left. Done deal. Signed, sealed. She didn't even need a lawyer.

39Right after that, Mary packed up and hurried out to a town in the hills of Judea.

40She walked into Zechariah's house and said hello to Elizabeth.

41The second Elizabeth heard her, the baby jumped inside her, and she was filled with the Holy Spirit. Johnny Big Deals. Excited already. Biggest fan, even before he was born.

42She shouted out loud, “You're the most blessed woman ever, and the baby you're having is blessed!

43Who am I, that the mother of my boss would come and see me? Very honored. Tremendous honor.

44When I heard your voice, the baby inside me jumped for joy! Standing ovation. From the womb.

45You're blessed because you believed that God would do what he said.”

46And Mary said, “My son is going to be the greatest. Everybody says so. Angels say so. Angels!

47I'm so proud. The proudest mother in Queens. Maybe in the world.

48Me! A girl from a little island in Scotland. And now every generation is going to call me blessed. Every generation. Forever. Great ratings.

49God did a huge thing for me. Huge. And his name is holy. Very good name. Great name.

50He takes care of the people who are loyal to him. Generation after generation. Loyalty. It runs in the family.

51And he's scattered the arrogant people, the ones who think they're so smart. The elites. Scattered.

52He's pulled the rulers off their thrones and put the forgotten people on top. Drained the swamp. That's what it means. Read it.

53He's bringing the jobs back. Everybody's going to have a job. The hungry people are going to eat at the best restaurants.

54He's going to make Israel great again. He remembered. He never forgets.

55He made a promise to Abraham a long time ago, and he's keeping it. Promises made, promises kept.” Great speech. Very great. She got it from somewhere. She got it from me, before I was born.

56Mary stayed about three months, then went home. Long visit. Family is very important.

57Then Elizabeth's time came, and she had a boy.

58The neighbors and relatives heard how good God had been to her, and everybody celebrated.

59On the eighth day they all came for the circumcision, and they were going to name him Zechariah, after his dad. Junior. A lot of people like a junior.

60But his mother said, “No! His name is John.”

61“But nobody in your family has that name,” they said. Relatives. Always with opinions.

62So they're making hand signals at the father. What do you want to call him?

63He asked for a writing tablet, and to everybody's surprise he wrote, “His name is John.” He posted it. Very effective. When they take away your voice, you post.

64And just like that, his mouth opened up, his tongue came loose, and he started talking. Praising God. Unmuted. Account restored.

65The neighbors were stunned. People all over the hills of Judea were talking about it. Viral. Totally viral.

66Everybody who heard it was asking, “What's this kid going to turn out to be?” Because God was clearly with him. A big deal, they said. A very big deal.

67Then his father, Zechariah, filled with the Holy Spirit, started prophesying.

68“Praise God! He's finally sending somebody to fix this place.

69From David's family. Royal blood. A great bloodline. The best.

70The prophets said it a long time ago. Nobody believed them. Now look.

71He's going to beat our enemies. All of them. And all the haters.

72Because God keeps his deals. Always.

73He made a deal with our father Abraham, and he honored it. God honors his deals. Great dealmaker.

74We're going to be so safe. The safest we've ever been. Nobody's going to scare us again.

75Every day of our lives. Law and order.

76And you, my boy. You're the advance team. You go out in front of the boss and warm up the crowd. Best advance team ever.

77You tell everybody a fresh start is coming. Total amnesty. Clean slate.

78Because the sun's about to come up. Big sunrise. Golden. Very classy.

79And all the people who've been sitting in the dark, the forgotten people, they're going to see it. And we'll have peace. Peace through strength.”

80The boy grew up tough. Strong in spirit. He lived out in the wilderness until the day he went public in Israel. Off the grid. Eating bugs. We'll get to that.