Chapter 12

1Then Trump started talking to them in parables. “A guy plants a vineyard. Puts a wall around it—big, beautiful wall—digs a winepress, builds a tower. Then he rents it out to some farmers and moves away. Florida, probably.

2At harvest time he sends one of his guys to the farmers to collect his share of the grapes. Rent day.

3But they grab the guy, beat him up, and send him back with nothing. Worst tenants ever.

4So he sends another guy. They smack him in the head and treat him like garbage.

5He sends another one, and they kill him. And a lot of others too. Some they beat up, some they killed. Total lawlessness. No law and order.

6He's got one guy left to send, his son, who he loves. He sends him last. He figures, 'They'll respect my son.' The favorite son. A lot of people say I'm the favorite son.

7But the farmers say to each other, 'That's the heir. Let's kill him, and the inheritance is ours.' Stealing it! Like a stolen election.

8So they grab him, kill him, and throw him out of the vineyard. Very bad people. Very bad.

9So what's the owner going to do? He's going to come and wipe out those farmers and give the vineyard to somebody else. Evicted. Total eviction.

10Haven't you read the part that says, 'The stone the builders threw out is now the cornerstone'? I know builders. And I'm the cornerstone.

11'God did it, and it's amazing to look at.'” Amazing. Beautiful. Like a Trump building.

12The leaders knew the story was about them, and they wanted to arrest him right there. But they were scared of the crowd. So they backed off and left. Scared of my crowds. Everybody is.

13Next they sent some Pharisees and Herod's people to trip him up with his own words. Gotcha journalism.

14They came and said, “Teacher, we know you're an honest guy. You don't care what anybody thinks, and you don't play favorites. You tell it like it is. So, is it legal to pay taxes to Caesar or not?

15Should we pay or not?” But Trump knew they were faking it. “Why are you trying to trap me?” he said. “You think I don't know a setup? Bring me a coin. Let me look at it.”

16They brought him the coin, and he asked them, “Whose face is this? Whose name is on it?” “Caesar's,” they said. Branding. Very important.

17Then Trump said, “Give Caesar what's Caesar's. Not a penny more. Get a good accountant. Give God what's God's.” And they were blown away. And give Trump what's Trump's. That part was implied.

18Then the Sadducees came at him. They're the ones who say nobody comes back from the dead. Don't believe in comebacks. Very negative people.

19“Teacher,” they said, “Moses wrote that if a guy dies and leaves a wife with no kids, his brother has to marry the widow and have kids for him.

20So there were seven brothers. The first one gets married and dies without any kids.

21The second one marries the widow, and he dies without any kids. Same with the third.

22None of the seven had any kids. Last of all, the woman died too.” Seven brothers. Very suspicious. Somebody should look into it.

23“So when they all come back from the dead, whose wife is she? All seven were married to her.” Ridiculous hypothetical. Fake scenario.

24Trump said, “You're wrong, and you don't know anything. Very low information.

25Seven brothers, one wife, and nobody had kids? Somebody should look into that. Very suspicious.

26And you don't believe in comebacks? I'm the comeback king. God still has Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob on the books. 'I am their God,' he says. Am. Active accounts.

27He doesn't do business with dead people. You're very wrong. Very, very wrong.” Grammar, folks. I have the best words.

28A lawyer was standing there listening. He heard the whole argument and saw how good Trump's answer was, so he stepped up. “What's the most important commandment of all?”

29Trump said, “Number one is loyalty. 'Listen, Israel. There's one boss.'

30Total loyalty. Heart, soul, mind, strength. Everything you've got. One hundred percent.

31Number two, love yourself. If you don't, nobody will. Your neighbor? Depends on the neighbor.” And I love myself very much. So that's a lot of love.

32“Great answer, Teacher,” the lawyer said. “You're right. There's one God and no other.

33And loyalty to the boss is worth more than all the burnt offerings and sacrifices put together.” A smart lawyer! Very rare. One in a million.

34Trump saw the guy had answered smart. “You're not far from the kingdom of God.” After that, nobody had the guts to ask him anything. Press conference over.

35While Trump was teaching in the temple, he asked, “How come the lawyers say the Messiah is David's son? He's Fred's son. Queens. Everybody knows that.

36David himself, talking by the Holy Spirit, said, 'God said to my Lord, sit right here next to me until I put your enemies under your feet.' Under the feet. All the haters.

37David himself calls him 'Lord.' So how can he be his son?” The crowd ate it up. Huge crowd. Very happy crowd.

38As he taught, he said, “Watch out for the lawyers. They love walking around in long robes and getting big hellos in the marketplace. Showoffs.

39They want the best seats in the synagogues and the head table at dinners. I get the head table, but I earned it.

40They take widows' houses, and then make long prayers to look good. They're going to get punished very badly. Foreclosures and long speeches. Worst combination.”

41Then Trump sat down across from the offering box and watched people put their money in. Lots of rich people dropping in lots of money. Big donors.

42Then a poor widow walks up and drops in two tiny copper coins. About a penny.

43Trump called his disciples over and said, “See that lady? Two coins. Everything she had. That's the kind of donor I love.

44The big guys gave out of their extra. She gave it all. Every penny. Get her on the list. Monthly.” Small-dollar donor. The best kind. The most loyal. Every penny, folks. Every penny counts.