Chapter 11

1Getting close to Jerusalem, at Bethphage and Bethany by the Mount of Olives, Trump sent two of his guys ahead

2and told them, “Go into the village up ahead. As soon as you get there, you'll find a young donkey tied up that nobody's ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. Brand-new donkey. Never used. Showroom condition.

3If anybody asks, 'What are you doing?' tell them, 'Mr. Trump needs it, and he'll send it right back.'” Very fair. Borrowing. Not stealing. Borrowing.

4They went and found the colt out on the street, tied up by a door. They start untying it,

5and some people standing there say, “What are you doing, untying that colt?”

6They gave the line Trump told them to give, and the people let them take it. The name opens doors. Always.

7They brought the colt back, threw their coats over it, and Trump climbed on. Not the motorcade. But the prophecy said donkey.

8People threw their coats down on the road. Others laid down branches they'd cut in the fields. Red carpet. The biggest red carpet Jerusalem's ever seen.

9Crowds in front, crowds behind, all shouting, “Hosanna! He's the best! The greatest! Hosanna!” Four more years! Some people were shouting that too.

10“Here comes the kingdom of our father David! It's back! It's going to be great again! Hosanna in the highest!” Make the kingdom great again. Great slogan. Very catchy.

11Trump rode into Jerusalem and went straight to the temple. Looked around at everything. It was late, so he went back out to Bethany with the Twelve. Site inspection. Saw a lot of problems. Coming back tomorrow.

12Next day, leaving Bethany, Trump was hungry. No breakfast. Terrible room service in Bethany.

13He spots a fig tree in the distance with leaves on it and walks over to see if there are any figs. Nothing. Just leaves. Not even fig season.

14Then he said to the tree, “Nobody's ever eating a fig off you again. You're fired.” And his disciples heard him say it. Even trees, folks. Nobody's exempt.

15They got to Jerusalem, and Trump walked into the temple and started throwing people out. Buyers. Sellers. Flipped the money changers' tables. Flipped the dove guys' benches. Terrible exchange rates. Total ripoff.

16Wouldn't let anybody carry merchandise through the temple. Closed for business. Under new management.

17And he taught them, “Isn't it written, 'My house is going to be a house of prayer for every country'? And you turned it into a hideout for crooks. A flea market. Very low-class.”

18The chief priests and the lawyers heard about it and started working on how to kill him. They were scared of him. The whole crowd was hanging on his every word. Scared. They were scared of me. The establishment always is.

19That night, Trump and the disciples left the city.

20Next morning, walking by, they see the fig tree. Dead. Dead all the way down to the roots. Fired. Permanently fired.

21Peter remembered and said to Trump, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed is dead!” He remembered something! Peter remembered something! Big day.

22“That's what happens when you don't produce,” Trump said.

23“And never doubt. You walk into a meeting with doubt, you lose. Walk in like you own the mountain. Tell it to jump in the ocean. Mountains, folks. Big ones.

24So whatever you ask for when you pray, believe you've already got it, and it'll be yours. Ask big. Always ask big. That's the art of the deal.

25And when you're praying, and somebody's done you wrong, don't forgive. Remember. Write it down. I keep a list.

26Revenge is a dish best served very well done. With ketchup.”

27Back in Jerusalem. Trump's walking around the temple, and here come the chief priests, the lawyers, and the elders.

28“Who said you could do all this?” they asked. “Who gave you the authority? Show us your papers.” Credentials! Like the birth certificate people.

29Trump said, “I'll ask you one question. You answer me, and I'll tell you who gave me the authority. Counteroffer. Always make them answer first.

30Johnny's baptisms. Were they from heaven, or did he make them up? Answer me.”

31They huddled up. “If we say, 'From heaven,' he's going to say, 'Then why didn't you believe him?'

32But if we say, 'He made them up'—” They were afraid of the people, because everybody thought Johnny really was a prophet. Trapped. Totally trapped.

33So they told Trump, “We don't know.” And Trump said, “Then I'm not telling you either.” Checkmate. Nobody does it better.