Chapter 23

1Then the whole bunch of them got up and dragged Trump to Pilate. Pilate. Weak guy. A RINO governor.

2And they started accusing him, saying, “This guy is riling everybody up. He tells people not to pay Caesar, and he says he's the Messiah. A king!” Lies. I said give Caesar what's Caesar's. They heard it. They were there. Fake charges.

3So Pilate asked Trump, “Are you the King of the Deals?” “That's what you say,” Trump replied. Doesn't confirm, doesn't deny. Lawyers hate it.

4Then Pilate announced to the chief priests and the crowd, “I've got nothing on this guy. Nothing.” No crime! The governor said it! No crime! Case closed. Should have been.

5But they kept insisting, “He's got the whole country fired up. Started in Galilee, and now he's here. Rallies everywhere!” Big rallies. That's the crime. Too many people showed up.

6Pilate heard “Galilee” and asked if the guy was a Galilean.

7Found out he was from Herod's territory, so he shipped him over to Herod, who happened to be in Jerusalem too. Passing the buck. Jurisdiction shopping. Very weak.

8Herod was thrilled to see Trump. He'd wanted to meet him for a long time. He'd heard all about him, and he was hoping to see a miracle. A fan. Herod was a fan. Secretly. They're all secretly fans.

9Herod asked him question after question. Trump said nothing. Pleaded the Fifth. Very smart. Don't talk to Herod.

10The chief priests and the lawyers were standing right there screaming accusations. Screaming. Very unhinged.

11Then Herod and his soldiers made fun of him, put a fancy robe on him, and sent him back to Pilate. Elegant robe. Looked great. Better than anything Herod had.

12And that same day, Herod and Pilate became friends. They'd hated each other before. United against me. Everybody unites against me. Biggest coalition of losers ever assembled.

13Pilate called in the chief priests, the rulers, and the people,

14and said to them, “You brought me this guy and said he's starting a rebellion. I questioned him right in front of you, and I've got nothing. Nothing on any of it. No basis. Zero. Total exoneration.

15Herod didn't find anything either, because he sent him right back. This guy didn't do anything that deserves death. Two officials. Both said innocent. Both! Still they kept going.

16So I'll punish him and then let him go.” Punish an innocent man. Then let him go. Makes no sense. Typical government.

17Every festival, the governor had to pardon one prisoner. Pardons. Great power. Very underrated.

18But the whole crowd shouted, “Get rid of this man! Release Barabbas to us!” Paid crowd. Bused in. Not my crowd. Mine were much bigger.

19Barabbas was locked up for a riot in the city. And murder. A real criminal. Violent. Very bad guy. They picked him over me.

20Pilate wanted to let Trump go, so he tried again.

21But they kept shouting, “Crucify him! Crucify him!”

22For the third time he spoke to them, “Why? What did he do? What's the crime? I can't find anything worth executing him for. I'll have him whipped, and then he goes home.” Third time! Third time he said no crime!

23But they kept screaming, louder and louder. Crucify him. And the screaming won. Mob rule. Pure mob rule. The loudest people won. Usually that's me.

24So Pilate gave them what they wanted. Caved. Total cave. No backbone. Zero.

25He let the rioter and murderer go, the one they asked for, and handed Trump over to them. Let the murderer go. Locked up the innocent guy. Upside down. The whole system. Upside down.

26On the way out, the soldiers grabbed a guy coming in from the country, Simon from Cyrene, and put the cross on him to carry behind Trump. Strong guy. Good worker. I'd hire him.

27A huge crowd followed, including women crying and wailing for him. Even on the way to the cross. Big crowd. Huge crowd. Couldn't stop the crowds.

28Trump turned and said to them, “Daughters of Jerusalem, don't cry for me. Cry for yourselves and for your children. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Better than fine. Three days.

29Because the time will come when you'll say, 'Lucky are the childless women, the wombs that never had babies and the breasts that never nursed!'

30Then they'll say to the mountains, 'Fall on us!' and to the hills, 'Cover us!'

31Because if people do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it's dry?” Bad things coming. Very bad. If they do this to me, imagine what they'll do to you. They're not after me. They're after you. I'm just in the way.

32Two other guys, both criminals, were marched out with him to be executed.

33They got to the place called the Skull and crucified him there, with the criminals, one on each side. The Skull. Terrible name. Worst branding ever. Nobody's putting that on a hotel. Center stage, though. Always center.

34Trump said, “Father, I'll forgive them. This once. Write it down. Not the lawyers, though. Never the lawyers.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. Very generous. They didn't deserve it. Remember that. Also, gambling over the suit. Brioni. Very expensive suit.

35The crowd stood there watching. The rulers were sneering. “He saved others. Let him save himself if he's God's Messiah, the Chosen One.” Hecklers. Every rally has them.

36The soldiers came up and joined in. Held up some sour wine to him

37and said, “If you're the King of the Deals, save yourself.” Sour wine. Not even a Diet Coke.

38There was a sign above him that read, THIS IS THE KING OF THE DEALS. All caps. Big letters. Accidentally great branding. Best sign they ever made.

39One of the criminals hanging there started in on him too. “Aren't you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!” Even the criminals. Hecklers everywhere.

40But the other criminal told him off. “Have some respect,” he said. “You're up here with the same sentence. This guy gets it. Smart criminal. Very smart.

41You and me, we earned this. We did the crimes. But this guy? He didn't do anything wrong.” Nothing wrong! A criminal said it! Even the criminals know! No crime!

42Then he said, “Trump, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Last-minute supporter. Late endorsement. Still counts.

43Trump answered him, “Let me tell you, today you'll be with me in paradise.” Paradise. Mar-a-Lago. The real one. Upstairs. Lifetime membership. No initiation fee.

44It was about noon, and the whole land went dark until three. Total blackout. The sun refused to watch.

45The sun just quit. And the curtain in the temple ripped right down the middle. The temple redecorated itself. Very dramatic renovation.

46Trump called out with a loud voice, “Father, I'm putting my spirit in your hands. Take good care of it. It's a great spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last. Loud voice. Strong to the end. Very strong.

47The centurion saw it all and praised God. “This guy was the real deal. A good man. A very good man.” Military guys. They always get it. Always.

48All the people who'd come to watch saw what happened, and they walked home beating their chests. Felt terrible. They should have. Very bad day for them.

49Everybody who knew him, including the women who'd followed him from Galilee, stood back at a distance and watched it all. The women stayed. More loyal than the men, frankly.

50There was a man named Joseph. Member of the council. Good man. Honest man.

51who had not agreed with their decision and action. He came from the Judean town of Arimathea, and he himself was waiting for the kingdom of God. Voted no. A council member who voted no! Not everybody in the swamp is swamp.

52He went to Pilate and asked for Trump's body.

53He took the body down, wrapped it in linen, and laid it in a tomb cut out of the rock. Nobody had ever been buried in it. Brand-new tomb. Never used. Luxury tomb. Short-term rental, as it turned out.

54It was prep day. Sabbath was about to start.

55The women who'd come with Trump from Galilee followed Joseph and saw the tomb and how the body was laid in it. They knew where he was. Smart women. Taking notes.

56Then they went home and got the spices and perfumes ready. And on the Sabbath, they rested, like the law says. Folks, wait till you see what happens next.