Chapter 5

1Now listen, you rich people. Some people say you should cry and wail because of the misery coming to you. Why would the rich cry? The rich are doing great. Very great.

2They say your wealth has rotted and moths have eaten your clothes. Not my clothes. Brioni. Moths don't touch Brioni.

3They say your gold and silver are corroded. Real gold doesn't corrode. Fake gold corrodes. Ours is real. They say you've stored up treasure in the last days. Of course we did. Smart. Very smart. You store up when you can.

4They say the wages you didn't pay the workers who mowed your fields are crying out against you. Pay the workers. Eventually. After you look at the invoice. Some of those invoices were very inflated.

5They say you've lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. Yes. And it was great. Nobody ever apologized for luxury. Never apologize.

6They say you've condemned and murdered innocent people who weren't opposing you. That's not the rich. That's the swamp. Very different.

7Be patient, then, brothers, until the boss comes back. Look how the farmer waits for the land to produce its valuable crop, waiting patiently for the fall and spring rains. Patient. Two weeks. Maybe a little more.

8You too, be patient and stand firm, because the boss's coming is close. Very close. He's coming back.

9Don't complain about each other, brothers, or you'll be judged. The judge is standing at the door. At the door. Knocking. Very loud knock.

10Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, look at the prophets who spoke in the boss's name. They put up with everything.

11We consider the people who hung in there blessed. You've heard of Job's toughness and you've seen what the boss finally did for him. The boss is full of compassion and mercy. Job got everything back. Double. Double everything. The greatest comeback before the greatest comeback.

12Above all, my brothers, don't swear by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your “Yes” be yes and your “No” be no. A strong yes. A very strong no. No wishy-washy.

13Is anybody among you in trouble? He should pray. Is anybody happy? He should sing songs of praise. Sing. YMCA. Everybody knows the moves.

14Is anybody among you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the boss's name. Good oil. Best oil.

15And the prayer offered in loyalty will make the sick person well. The boss will raise him up. If he's sinned, he'll be forgiven. Pardoned.

16So pray for each other so you can be healed. Some people say to confess your sins to each other. Don't confess. Never confess. Never admit anything. Pray instead. The prayer of a good man is powerful and effective. Very powerful.

17Elijah was a human being just like us. He prayed hard that it wouldn't rain, and it didn't rain on the land for three and a half years. Three and a half years. One prayer. That's power.

18Then he prayed again, and the sky poured down rain, and the earth produced its crops. Turned it back on. Like a faucet. Total control.

19My brothers, if one of you wanders from the truth and somebody brings him back,

20remember this. Whoever turns a sinner from going the wrong way will save him from death and cover over a lot of sins. Bring him back. Flip him. A flip is the best thing there is. Thank you for your attention to this matter!