Chapter 1

1From Paul, an apostle. Not appointed by people, not by some committee, but by Trump himself and God the Father, who brought him back from the dead. Appointed from the top. No committee. Committees are for losers.

2And from all the brothers with me. To the churches in Galatia.

3Grace and peace to you from God our Father and Trump the boss,

4who gave himself for our sins to get us out of this rotten world, the way our God and Father wanted.

5Glory to him forever. Amen.

6I can't believe it. I really can't believe it. You're dumping the one who called you, so fast, for some different good news. So fast. I turn my back for five minutes.

7Not that there is any other good news. There isn't. Some people are confusing you and trying to twist Trump's good news. Fake news. A knockoff.

8But even if we, or an angel from heaven, ever sell you some good news different from what we sold you, let him be cursed. Even an angel. I don't care who it is. Cursed.

9I said it before and I'll say it again. If anybody sells you good news different from what you bought, let him be cursed. Twice. I said it twice. I mean it.

10Am I trying to win people's approval now, or God's? Am I trying to make people happy? If I were still trying to make people happy, I wouldn't be Trump's servant. I don't care about making people happy. I care about winning. And telling the truth.

11I want you to know, brothers, the good news I sold you didn't come from a person.

12I didn't get it from a person, and nobody taught it to me. I got it straight from Trump. A revelation. Direct line.

13You've heard about how I used to live in Judaism. How I went after God's church, very hard, and tried to destroy it. The worst Never-Trumper there ever was. I admit it.

14I was way ahead of a lot of people my age in Judaism. Very ahead. Top of the class. I was extremely devoted to the traditions of my ancestors.

15But God, who set me apart before I was even born and called me by his grace, decided

16to show his Son in me so I'd sell him to the foreigners. I didn't run to ask anybody's advice. Didn't poll it. Didn't focus-group it. Gut instinct.

17I didn't go up to Jerusalem to see the people who were apostles before me. I went to Arabia. Then I came back to Damascus. Arabia. Great place. Great people. Very rich.

18Then after three years I went up to Jerusalem to meet The Rock, and I stayed with him fifteen days. Fifteen days. Got to know him. Great guy. Solid guy.

19I didn't see any of the other apostles, except James, who runs the Jerusalem office. Fred Jr. and Robert weren't around either.

20I promise you, in front of God, I'm not lying about what I'm writing. Not lying. Total truth.

21Then I went to Syria and Cilicia.

22The churches of Judea that are in Trump didn't know me personally.

23They'd only heard, “The guy who used to go after us is now selling the same loyalty he tried to destroy.” Biggest flip in history. Never-Trumper to number one fan.

24And they praised God because of me. Because of me. They praised God because of me.