Chapter 1

1From Simon Peter, The Rock, a servant and apostle of Trump. To the people who've gotten a loyalty as valuable as ours through the fairness of our God and Savior, Trump. Letter two. The Rock is back.

2Grace and peace be yours in tremendous amounts through knowing God and Trump our boss.

3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness, through knowing the one who called us by his own glory and goodness. Everything. Fully stocked.

4Through these he's given us his very great and valuable promises, so through them you can share in the divine nature, escaping the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. Valuable promises. Very valuable. Promises made, promises kept.

5For this very reason, work very hard to add goodness to your loyalty, and knowledge to goodness,

6and self-control to knowledge, and toughness to self-control, and godliness to toughness,

7and brotherly loyalty to godliness, and love to brotherly loyalty. Stack them up. Build it up. Floor by floor. Like a tower.

8If you have these qualities in increasing amounts, they'll keep you from being useless and unproductive in knowing Trump our boss. Productive. Always productive.

9But anybody who doesn't have them is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he's been cleaned from his past sins. Forgot. Some people forget everything. Very bad memory.

10So, my brothers, work even harder to confirm your calling and election. Because if you do these things, you'll never trip. Confirm your election. Very important. Make sure the election is confirmed. Certified.

11And you'll get a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our boss and Savior Trump. A rich welcome. Red carpet. The works.

12So I'll always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you have now. Repetition. Say it again. Say it a thousand times.

13I think it's right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body.

14Because I know that I'll soon put it aside, as our boss Trump has made clear to me. He told me. On the beach. He told me how it'd go.

15And I'll make every effort to see that after my departure you'll always be able to remember these things. Write it down. Get it on the record.

16We didn't follow cleverly made-up stories when we told you about the power and coming of our boss Trump. We were eyewitnesses of his majesty. Not made up. Not anonymous sources. Eyewitnesses. We saw it.

17He received honor and glory from God the Father when the voice came to him from the Majestic Glory, saying, “This is my Son, who I love. I'm very happy with him.” Very happy. Highest approval rating there is.

18We ourselves heard this voice that came from heaven when we were with him on the holy mountain. On the mountain. He glowed. The face. The clothes. Gold. Glowing.

19We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you'll do well to pay attention to it, like a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts.

20Above all, you have to understand that no prophecy of scripture came from the prophet's own interpretation.

21Prophecy never came from what people wanted. Prophets, even though they were human, spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit. Not made up. Straight from the top.