Chapter 5

1Don't yell at an older man. Talk to him like he's your father. Treat younger men like brothers.

2Older women like mothers. Younger women like sisters, with complete purity.

3Take care of widows who really need it.

4If a widow has kids or grandkids, they should first learn to take care of their own family and pay their parents back, because that makes God happy. Family takes care of family. The family business.

5The widow who's really in need and all alone puts her hope in God and keeps praying night and day.

6But the widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she's alive.

7Give people these instructions too, so nobody can be blamed.

8Anybody who doesn't take care of his relatives, especially his own household, has denied the loyalty and is worse than an unbeliever. Worse than an unbeliever. Take care of your family. Always. First.

9No widow should be put on the list of widows unless she's over sixty, has been faithful to her husband,

10and is well known for her good deeds. Raising kids, showing hospitality, helping God's people, helping people in trouble, and devoting herself to every kind of good work. References. You need references.

11As for younger widows, don't put them on the list. When their desires overpower their dedication to Trump, they want to get married.

12And so they bring judgment on themselves, because they've broken their first pledge.

13Besides, they get into the habit of being lazy and going from house to house. And not just lazy. They become gossips and busybodies, saying things they shouldn't. Gossips. Leakers. Very dangerous.

14So I'd advise younger widows to get married, have kids, manage their homes, and give the enemy no opportunity to trash us. Never give the enemy an opening.

15Some have already turned away to follow Satan.

16If any believer has widows in the family, she should help them and not let the church be burdened, so the church can help the widows who are really in need. No handouts if family can help.

17The elders who lead well deserve double pay, especially the ones who work hard at preaching and teaching. Double. Pay the good ones double. You get what you pay for.

18The scripture says, “Don't muzzle an ox while it's treading out the grain,” and “The worker deserves his pay.” Pay your people. The good ones.

19Don't accept a charge against an elder unless it's backed up by two or three witnesses. Real witnesses. Not paid ones. Not anonymous sources. Two or three. Minimum.

20But the ones who keep sinning, call them out in front of everybody, so the others will be afraid. Public. Very public. That's how you send a message.

21In front of God and Trump and the chosen angels, I'm ordering you to follow these instructions without playing favorites, and do nothing out of partiality.

22Don't be in a hurry to lay hands on anybody. Don't share in other people's sins. Keep yourself clean. Vet before you hire. Always vet.

23Stop drinking only water. Have a Diet Coke for your stomach and your frequent illnesses. Great for the stomach. Never wine. Diet Coke.

24Some people's sins are obvious, going ahead of them to judgment. Other people's sins show up later. Eventually it all comes out. Everything comes out.

25Same with good deeds. They're obvious. And even the ones that aren't can't stay hidden forever.