Chapter 8

1When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. Half an hour. Total silence. Very dramatic. Great pause. Know when to pause.

2And I saw the seven angels who stand in front of God, and they were given seven trumpets. Trump-ets. Seven of them. Great name for an instrument. The best name. Loud. Very loud. Everybody hears the Trump.

3Another angel, who had a gold censer, came and stood at the altar. He was given a lot of incense to offer, with the prayers of all God's people, on the gold altar in front of the throne. Gold censer. Gold altar. Everything gold in heaven. Great taste.

4The smoke of the incense, together with the prayers of God's people, went up in front of God from the angel's hand.

5Then the angel took the censer, filled it with fire from the altar, and threw it on the earth. And there came peals of thunder, rumblings, flashes of lightning, and an earthquake. Threw it. Right at the earth. Boom.

6Then the seven angels who had the seven trumpets got ready to sound them. Get ready. Here come the Trumps.

7The first angel sounded his Trump, and there came hail and fire mixed with blood, and it was thrown down on the earth. A third of the earth was burned up, a third of the trees were burned up, and all the green grass was burned up. All the green grass. The Green New Deal. Burned up. Total failure.

8The second angel sounded his Trump, and something like a huge mountain, all on fire, was thrown into the sea. A third of the sea turned into blood,

9a third of the living creatures in the sea died, and a third of the ships were destroyed. A third of the ships. Bad for shipping. Supply chains. Very bad.

10The third angel sounded his Trump, and a great star, blazing like a torch, fell from the sky on a third of the rivers and on the springs of water.

11The name of the star is Wormwood. A third of the waters turned bitter, and a lot of people died from the waters that had become bitter. Wormwood. Terrible name. Very bad branding. You'd never name a star that.

12The fourth angel sounded his Trump, and a third of the sun was struck, a third of the moon, and a third of the stars, so a third of them turned dark. A third of the day was without light, and also a third of the night. A third. Rolling blackouts. Bad energy policy.

13As I watched, I heard an eagle that was flying in midair call out in a loud voice, “Too bad! Too bad! Too bad for the people of the earth, because of the Trump blasts about to be sounded by the other three angels!” The eagle. Great bird. Very patriotic. Three more Trumps. Get ready.