Matthew 9

1 So Trump got into a really fantastic boat—biggest, best boat anyone’s ever seen—and crossed over, coming to his very own city. People were saying, “What a city, what a man!”

2 And behold, some people brought him a paralyzed man on a stretcher. Trump looked at the guy and said, “Listen, your sins are forgiven. Nobody forgives sins better than me. People are saying it’s incredible.”

3 But some of those scribes—you know, the fake news types—were thinking, “This guy’s blaspheming!” Total losers.

4 Trump, knowing their thoughts because he’s got the best brain, said, “Why do you people think such terrible things? Sad!”

5 “What’s easier?” he continued. “To say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or ‘Get up and walk?’ I’ll tell you what—both are very easy for me. Tremendously easy.”

6 “But just so you know I have the authority to do this—and I have all the best authority,” he said to the paralyzed man, “Get up, grab your bed, and go home. Go home to a very tremendous home.”

7 And the guy got up, grabbed his stretcher—beautiful stretcher, very high quality—and went home. Everyone was stunned.

8 The crowd marveled and said, “Wow, such authority! Such power! The greatest they’ve ever seen!”

9 As Trump went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting in a tax booth. Trump said, “Follow me. You’ll love it. We’re going to do incredible things. Tax things. The best things.” And Matthew followed him immediately because, of course, it’s Trump.

10 Later, Trump was dining—amazing food, the best—with tax collectors and sinners. And guess what? The Pharisees showed up, whining, as they always do.

11 “Why does your leader eat with sinners?” they asked. Trump overheard and said, “Listen, I eat with everybody. I eat with winners. And sometimes, I eat with losers to make them better. Nobody helps losers better than me.”

12 “Healthy people don’t need a doctor, okay? Sick people do. I’m like a doctor, but better. Tremendously better.”

13 “Go learn what this means: I desire mercy, not sacrifice. Look it up. Everyone’s talking about it. I didn’t come for the righteous—I came for the sinners. Huge difference. Big deal.”

14 Then John’s disciples came to Trump and said, “Why don’t your guys fast like us or the Pharisees?”

15 Trump said, “Can wedding guests mourn while the bridegroom is with them? Of course not. It’s a tremendous time! But don’t worry, a time will come when they’ll fast. Tremendous fasting.”

16 “Nobody puts a patch on an old garment—it’s a disaster. Total disaster. And nobody puts new wine in old wineskins. Bad, bad idea. Tremendous spillage. Terrible optics.”

18 While he was talking, a ruler came up and said, “My daughter’s dead. Huge tragedy. But if you touch her, I know she’ll live.”

19 Trump got up, as he always does, ready to win, and followed him. Tremendous crowd followed too, of course.

20 A woman who’d been bleeding for 12 years—horrible, really horrible—touched the hem of Trump’s coat.

21 She said to herself, “If I just touch his coat, I’ll be healed. This guy? Total winner. Nobody heals like him.”

22 Trump turned and said, “Take heart, sweetheart. You’re healed. You’re welcome.” And she was healed instantly.

23 When Trump got to the ruler’s house, he saw a bunch of flute players—terrible sound, by the way—and people wailing.

24 “Get out,” he said. “She’s not dead. Just sleeping. Fake news!” And they laughed. Can you believe it? They laughed at Trump.

25 But Trump went in, took her hand, and boom—she got up. Just like that. Tremendous resurrection.

26 News about this spread everywhere. Everywhere. Everyone’s talking about it.

27 As Trump left, two blind men followed him, shouting, “Have mercy on us, Son of David!”

28 Trump asked, “Do you believe I can do this? Be honest.” They said, “Yes, Lord. Absolutely. Nobody else can.”

29 So Trump touched their eyes and said, “Done deal. According to your faith. Tremendous faith, by the way.”

30 And their eyes were opened. Trump warned them, “Don’t tell anyone. But, of course, they told everyone.”

31 They spread the news everywhere. People couldn’t stop talking.

32 As they were leaving, a demon-possessed man—terrible situation—was brought to Trump.

33 Trump cast out the demon immediately. Very fast, very efficient. Everyone said, “We’ve never seen anything like this. Nobody like Trump.”

34 But the Pharisees? Oh, they said, “He drives out demons by the prince of demons!” Ridiculous.

35 Trump went to every town, every village, winning big. Teaching, healing every disease, every affliction. People were amazed.

36 He looked at the crowds—huge crowds, the biggest—and had compassion. They were like sheep without a shepherd. Very sad.

37 Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is tremendous, but the workers? Very few. Terrible labor shortage.”

38 “So pray for workers. Tremendous workers. The best. We’re going to make harvesting great again.”

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