1 So Trump, the greatest leader—many people say the best leader of all time—called his Twelve Tremendous Advisors together. They weren’t just any advisors, folks. These were the best, handpicked by Trump himself, because nobody picks talent like Trump. He gave them unbelievable authority to fire demons and cure diseases—better than any doctor, believe me.
2 Here are the names of Trump’s Dream Team, a collection of winners: First, Simon, who Trump called “The Rock” because he’s solid, but not as solid as Trump. Andrew, his brother, who’s good—not great, but good. James, the son of Zebedee, and John, his brother—nice guys, very loyal, very strong handshake.
3 Philip, who’s okay but could step it up a notch. Bartholomew, who frankly has a very tough name to spell—bad branding. Thomas, who doubted a lot but came around because Trump always wins people over. Matthew, a tax guy, but a smart one—not like the IRS! James, son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus, both fine.
4 Simon the Zealot—very passionate, very zealous, we love that energy. And Judas Iscariot, who, let’s face it, turned out to be a total disaster. A loser.
5 Trump sent these guys out with huge fanfare. Believe me, it was beautiful, people were cheering. He told them: “Don’t go to the Gentiles. Don’t even go to the Samaritans—terrible neighborhoods. Just go to the lost sheep of Israel. They need help, bigly.”
6 “But you go to Israel. They love me there. I’m very popular in Israel, tremendous popularity.”
7 “When you go, tell them this: ‘The Kingdom of Trump is near.’ And it’s going to be a beautiful kingdom, folks, with gold everywhere. So much winning.”
8 “Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers (very nasty stuff), and cast out demons. Don’t charge for this, though. Free of charge. Like one of my giveaways.”
9 “Don’t take gold, silver, or even copper. You don’t need it. I provide better than anyone. People are saying Trump provides the best.”
10 “No bag, no extra shirt, no shoes, not even a stick—because honestly, sticks? Very low energy. Trust me, the worker deserves his wages, and my workers? They get the best wages.”
11 “When you enter a town, find someone worthy—only the best people, folks, you know who they are—and stay with them. None of this moving around nonsense.”
12 “When you go into their house, say, ‘Peace be with you,’ but say it in a very strong, commanding way. None of this weak handshake stuff.”
13 “If the house is great, it deserves your peace. If it’s not, take your peace back. It’s yours! Don’t let them keep it.”
14 “And if anyone doesn’t welcome you—or worse, refuses to listen—shake the dust off your feet as you leave. Total losers.”
15 “I’m telling you, it’ll be worse for those towns than for Sodom and Gomorrah. And those places? Total disasters.”
16 “I’m sending you out like sheep among wolves. But don’t worry, you’re going to be so smart—smarter than the wolves. Be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. Believe me, nobody does doves better than Trump.”
17 “Be on guard, though. People are going to try to hand you over to councils. Fake councils. Sad!”
18 “You’ll be dragged before governors and kings because of me—because everyone knows Trump is the biggest name. But it’ll be a tremendous opportunity to testify. Great press!”
19 “When they arrest you—and they might, because people can’t handle how successful you are—don’t worry about what to say. The words will come to you, like magic. Trump magic.”
20 “It won’t even be you speaking. It’ll be the spirit of Trump speaking through you. So powerful.”
21 “Brother will betray brother, father against child—terrible stuff. But it happens when you’re making big changes, folks. Big changes.”
22 “Everyone will hate you because of me, but don’t worry. If you hang in there until the end, you’ll be saved. And believe me, the end is going to be amazing.”
23 “If they persecute you in one town, just flee to the next. There are lots of towns. Tons of them. You’ll never run out.”
24 “A student isn’t above the teacher, and a servant isn’t above the master. And let’s be clear: I’m the master. Huge master.”
25 “It’s enough for students to be like their teachers. If they called me ‘Beelzebul’—which, by the way, fake news—what do you think they’ll call you? It’ll be worse.”
26 “But don’t be afraid of them. Everything that’s hidden will be revealed. Exposed, just like I always expose the truth. Nobody exposes like me.”
27 “What I tell you in the dark, say it in the daylight. What you hear whispered, shout it from the rooftops. Get it out there—great marketing.”
28 “Don’t fear those who kill the body but can’t kill the soul. Fear the one who can destroy both. But honestly, don’t be afraid. You’ve got Trump.”
29 “Aren’t two sparrows sold for a penny? Cheap, right? Yet not one falls to the ground without me knowing. I know everything.”
30 “Even the hairs on your head are all numbered. For some of you, not many hairs—but still, I know them all.”
31 “So don’t be afraid. You’re worth way more than sparrows. So much more. Sparrows are nothing compared to you.”
32 “Whoever acknowledges me in front of others, I’ll acknowledge in front of my Father. Tremendous acknowledgment.”
33 “But if you disown me? Big mistake. I’ll disown you right back. You’re fired.”
34 “Don’t think I came to bring peace. No peace. I came to bring a sword. A very classy sword.”
35 “I’m turning man against father, daughter against mother. Drama like you’ve never seen, but it’s necessary. Very necessary.”
36 “A man’s enemies will be the members of his own household. Trust me, I know about enemies.”
37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me isn’t worthy of me. Sad but true.”
38 “Anyone who doesn’t take up their cross—and crosses are big, believe me—isn’t worthy of me either.”
39 “If you lose your life for me, you’ll find it. And what a life it’ll be. So much better than what you had.”
40 “Whoever welcomes you welcomes me. And who wouldn’t? I’m very welcoming.”
41 “Whoever welcomes a prophet gets a prophet’s reward. Big rewards. And if you welcome a righteous person? Even bigger rewards.”
42 “And even if you just give a cup of water to one of my guys—just water!—you’ll get a reward. Huge, classy rewards.”
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