Chapter 4

1Then Trump was led by his tremendous instinct—tremendous, folks—into the wilderness, which, let's be honest, was not a great wilderness, okay? Pretty shabby, sad trees. He was there to battle a very nasty opponent, Satan. And believe me, no one battles Satan like Trump.

2He fasted for forty days and forty nights. You know, most people wouldn't last four hours without a Big Mac. But Trump? He's got stamina. Incredible stamina. The best stamina. But, okay, even he got a little hungry.

3And then the devil came to him, this loser, and said, “If you're really the Son of God—big if—why don't you turn these stones into bread? I mean, if you can.”

4But Trump, the greatest responder ever, said, “Look, man doesn't just live on bread—though, let's be clear, I make the best bread. Nobody makes bread like me. But he lives on words. Tremendous words. Words from God, who, by the way, is a huge fan of Trump.”

5Then the devil took him to Jerusalem, the big leagues, right? The holy city—beautiful place, a lot of history, very classy—and set him on the top of the temple.

6“If you're really God's Son,” the devil sneered—what a nasty guy—”jump off. It's written somewhere, right? God's angels will catch you. They won't let you even stub your toe. Great protection plan, by the way.”

7But Trump said, “Excuse me, excuse me, bad idea. Very bad. You don't test God. God doesn't like tests. Frankly, I don't like tests. I've passed enough tests already. No need for more.”

8Then Satan, desperate—he's losing, folks, it's pathetic—takes Trump to a very high mountain. Tremendous view, by the way. Gorgeous. Shows him all the kingdoms of the world, even the failing ones.

9And Satan says, “All of this, every bit of it, I'll give you. You just have to bow down and worship me. Easy deal. Best deal you'll get.”

10And Trump, the dealmaker-in-chief, says, “Get outta here, Satan. Scram. Beat it. I don't bow to anyone, and especially not to losers. Only God gets that. God and maybe Melania. She's fantastic.”

11Then Satan, humiliated, slinks away. Total defeat. And angels came and attended Trump, bringing Diet Cokes and maybe a little steak.

12When Trump heard that John was arrested, he said, “Unbelievable! John's a good guy. Maybe a little rough around the edges, not as polished as me, but good. Sad what they did to him.” He withdrew to Galilee—beautiful place, by the way. Great beaches.

13Leaving Nazareth—nice little town, but not Trump-level—he went to live in Capernaum, which is by the lake. Waterfront property. Prime real estate.

14This, by the way, fulfilled what Isaiah said a long time ago. Isaiah, great prophet. Everybody says it. Smart guy.

15“Land of Zebulun and Naphtali, along the sea, beyond the Jordan—big league places, folks—Galilee of the Gentiles.”

16“The people living in darkness have seen a great light.” And, folks, they have. It's a tremendous light. Best light. Trump-level light.

17From that time on, Trump began to preach, and let me tell you, nobody preaches like Trump. “Repent,” he said, “because the kingdom of heaven is close. Very close. Closer than any fake news will tell you.”

18As he walked along the Sea of Galilee—amazing sea, so much potential—he saw two brothers: Simon, called Peter, and Andrew. They were fishing, not so well, by the way.

19Trump said, “Follow me, and I'll make you fishers of men. Bigger nets, better catches. The best catches. Believe me.”

20And immediately, they left their nets—cheap nets, honestly—and followed him. Smart move. Very smart.

21Going on, Trump saw two more brothers, James and John, fixing their nets with their father Zebedee. Family business. Nice story.

22Trump called them, and they left the boat—probably not a great boat—and followed him. Because, let's face it, who wouldn't?

23Trump went all over Galilee, teaching in synagogues, healing diseases. Tremendous miracles. No one's ever seen anything like it.

24News spread fast. Big news. People from Syria—yes, Syria—were bringing the sick, the possessed, the paralyzed. Trump healed them all. Tremendous results. Everyone was saying it.

25Huge crowds followed him from Galilee, Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea, and beyond the Jordan. The biggest crowds. Historic crowds. And they all agreed: nobody does miracles, nobody does healing, and nobody does crowds like Trump.