Chapter 25

1“Here's what the kingdom of heaven is going to be like. Ten bridesmaids take their lamps and go out to meet the groom. Ten bridesmaids. Beautiful bridesmaids. All tens, believe me.

2Five of them were dummies and five of them were smart. Fifty-fifty. Like a close election. Except it wasn't close. Never close.

3The dummies took their lamps, but no oil. No oil! Drill, baby, drill!

4The smart ones brought extra oil in jars. Energy independence. Very smart. Very wise.

5The groom was running late, and they all got tired and fell asleep. Low energy. Sleepy. Very sleepy bridesmaids.

6At midnight somebody yells, 'He's here! The groom's here! Get out there!' Big entrance. Great timing. Midnight is a very dramatic time.

7So all the bridesmaids get up and get their lamps ready.

8And the dummies say to the smart ones, 'Give us some of your oil. Our lamps are going out.' Handouts. They wanted handouts.

9And the smart ones say, 'No way. Then there won't be enough for anybody. Go buy your own.' Free market. Very good answer. I love the free market.

10So while they're out buying oil, the groom shows up, and the bridesmaids who were ready go in with him to the party. And they shut the door. Velvet rope. You're not on the list.

11Later the other ones show up. 'Sir, Sir,' they say, 'let us in!'

12And he says, 'Who are you? I don't know you.' Never met them. Total strangers. Maybe a photo once, but I don't know them.

13So stay awake. You don't know the day or the hour. Always be ready. Always have oil. Always.

14Here's another one. A guy's going on a trip, so he calls in his people and puts them in charge of his money. Big portfolio. Very diversified.

15He gives one guy five bags of gold, another guy two bags, and another guy one bag, depending on how good they are. Then he leaves. Merit-based. Very merit-based. That's how it should be.

16The guy with five bags goes right out and puts the money to work and makes five more. Doubled it! A winner. A real dealmaker.

17Same with the guy with two bags. He makes two more. Also doubled. Good job. Very solid.

18But the guy with one bag goes out, digs a hole in the ground, and hides the money. In the ground! No interest! No returns! What a loser.

19After a long time, the boss comes back and goes over the books with them. Audit time. Quarterly review. Everybody sweats.

20The guy with five bags comes up with five more. 'Boss, you gave me five. Look, I made five more.'

21And the boss says, 'Fantastic. Great job. You're a winner. You did great with a little, so now I'm putting you in charge of a lot. Come celebrate with me.' Promoted! Corner office! Tremendous.

22The guy with two bags comes up. 'Boss, you gave me two. Look, I made two more.'

23And the boss says, 'Fantastic. Great job. You're a winner. You did great with a little, so now I'm putting you in charge of a lot. Come celebrate with me.' Same speech. It's a great speech. Why change it?

24Then the guy with one bag comes up. 'Boss,' he says, 'I know you. You're a tough guy. You take what you didn't earn. You cash in on other people's work.' Insulting the boss! In the review! Bad strategy.

25'So I got scared, and I buried your money in the ground. Here. Here's your money back.' Same bag. Same amount. Zero growth. Worse than a savings account.

26And the boss says, 'You lazy, worthless guy. You knew I was tough? You knew I like a return? Very lazy. Low energy. The lowest.

27Then at least put it in the bank! At least I'd get a little interest!' At least the bank! At least do the bare minimum!

28'Take his bag and give it to the guy with ten.' Reward the winners. That's capitalism, folks.

29Because if you've got a lot, you're going to get more. And if you've got nothing, they're going to take that too. Tough but fair. Mostly tough. That's the economy.

30'And throw this loser out. Out in the dark, where everybody's crying and grinding their teeth.' You're fired! Best line I've ever said. Great show.

31When the Son of Man comes in all his glory, with all the angels, he's going to sit on his throne. Gold throne. Very big. The biggest throne. Bigger than any king's.

32Every country in the world is going to line up in front of him, and he's going to split them up, like a shepherd splits the sheep from the goats. Winners on one side, losers on the other. Very organized.

33Sheep on the right, goats on the left. The right side. Always the right side.

34Then the King's going to say to the people on his right, 'Come on in. My Father loves you. This kingdom's been waiting for you since the beginning of the world.' VIP seating. Premium membership. Lifetime.

35'Because when they came after me, you stood up for me. When they indicted me, you donated. When I had a rally, you waited in line nine hours in the sun.' Great people.

36'When they raided my house, you were outraged. When they took my mug shot, you put it on a shirt. When I was in court, you stood outside with signs.' Loyal people. The most loyal.

37And the good people are going to say, 'Sir, when did we do all that?

38We just bought a hat. A couple of hats. A shirt.

39And maybe the sneakers.' They don't even remember! Very humble. Great people.

40And the King's going to say, 'Every hat, every shirt, every five-dollar donation, you did it for me.' And it all went to me. Very efficient system.

41Then he's going to say to the people on his left, 'Get out of here. Go into the fire they built for the devil and his people.' The devil. Total loser. I beat him in the desert. Easy win.

42'Because when they came after me, you said nothing. Nothing. Not one post.'

43'When I got indicted, you said, “Let's see how it plays out.” When I asked for money, you unsubscribed.' Disloyal. Totally disloyal. I remember everything.

44And they're going to say, 'Sir, when did we ever not help you? We liked some of your posts.' Excuses. All excuses.

45And he's going to say, 'Every text you didn't answer. Every email you deleted without opening. I saw all of them.' Very simple. Even a loser can understand it. And they still didn't.

46And they're going away to be punished forever, and the good people are going to live forever.” The ultimate deal. The final deal. And the house always wins, folks.