Chapter 14

1Around that time, Herod the Tetrarch heard about Trump. Herod's son. Nepotism hire. Total lightweight. Everybody was hearing about Trump. Biggest name in Galilee. Biggest name anywhere.

2And Herod said to his people, “It's Johnny Big Deals. He's back. He came back from the dead to get me. That's why the miracles are so good.” Wrong, folks. Very wrong. Johnny was good, but he was never Trump-level.

3Here's the backstory. Herod had Johnny arrested, chained up, and locked away, all because of Herodias. His brother Philip's wife. He took his brother's wife. Messy. Very messy. Terrible optics.

4Because Johnny kept telling him, “Herod, everybody's talking about you and Herodias. Everybody. It's all anyone talks about. Your numbers are terrible.” And Johnny was right, but he said it on live TV, over and over. Not smart. You have to know how to handle the press.

5Herod wanted Johnny dead. But he was scared of the polls. The people loved Johnny. Not like they love me. But they loved him.

6Then came Herod's birthday party. Low-energy party, cheap wine, terrible catering. And the daughter of Herodias danced for everyone, and Herod loved it. Total sucker.

7So he made her a promise, with an oath—never make an oath, folks, I told you that—“Anything you want, sweetheart. Anything. Name it.” Worst deal ever made. No negotiation at all.

8And her mother whispered in her ear, and she said, “I want Johnny Big Deals' head. On a platter. Right now.” A platter! Probably not even a gold one.

9The king felt bad about it. But he'd made the promise in front of all his dinner guests, and he didn't have the guts to back out. Weak. Very weak. A strong leader says, “Party's over, everybody go home. Valet's out front.”

10So he had Johnny's head cut off. Right there in the prison. No trial. No appeal. A disgrace. A total disgrace.

11They carried the head out on a platter and handed it to the girl, and she took it straight to her mother. Sick family. Very sick.

12Johnny's people came for the body and buried it. Then they came straight to Trump. Bad news? You call Trump. Everybody calls Trump.

13Trump heard and took the boat out to someplace private. Very exclusive. Members only. Didn't matter. The crowds found out and walked there from every town around. They always find me. Always.

14He pulls up to the shore, and there's a crowd waiting. Massive. Record-breaking. He felt for them, and he healed every sick person there. Every one. A hundred percent success rate.

15As evening came, the disciples came to him and said, “Sir, it's late, we're in the middle of nowhere, and there's no catering. Send them home. Let them get a burger in town.” Low-energy suggestion. Very low.

16Trump said, “Nobody's leaving. Nobody leaves a Trump event hungry. You feed them.” Delegation, folks. Great leaders delegate.

17“We've got five loaves and two fish, Sir. That's it. That's the whole inventory.” Pathetic inventory. Who runs a catering operation like this?

18“Bring them to me,” he said. “I've done more with less. Ask anybody in real estate.”

19He had everybody sit down on the grass. Beautiful grass. Like a fairway. He took the five loaves and the two fish, looked up to heaven, said grace, the best grace anybody's ever heard, and started breaking bread. He handed it to the disciples, and they handed it out. Delegation.

20Everybody ate. Everybody was stuffed. And the disciples went around after and picked up twelve baskets of leftovers. Twelve! People were taking doggie bags home.

21About five thousand men ate, not counting the women and kids. Some people say fifty thousand. A lot of people are saying that. Biggest picnic in history.

22Right after, Trump put the disciples in the boat and sent them across ahead of him, while he worked the crowd. Somebody has to do the rope line, and nobody does a rope line like me.

23When the crowd was gone, he went up the mountain alone to pray. Just him and the Father. Private meeting. Very productive meeting.

24Meanwhile the boat's way out on the lake, getting slammed by the waves, wind against it the whole way. Bad boat. Peter picked it.

25Around four in the morning, Trump went out to them. Walking. On the water. Like it was a golf course. Nobody's ever done it better.

26The disciples see him coming across the water and they lose it. “A ghost! It's a ghost!” Screaming. Fake news! It was me.

27But Trump immediately said to them, “Relax. It's me. Look at the hair. Who else has this hair? Nobody.”

28“Sir, if it's really you,” Peter said, “let me come out there. Let me walk on the water too.” Big ask. Ambitious. I like that.

29“Come on out,” Trump said. So Peter climbs over the side and walks on the water toward Trump. A few steps. Not bad for a fisherman.

30But when he saw the wind, he got scared and started to sink, and he cried out, “Sir! Sir! Help! I'm going under!” Choked. Total choke. Lost his confidence in the fourth quarter.

31Immediately Trump reached out his hand and caught him. “Peter, Peter. You looked at the wind. Never look at the wind. When you're with Trump, you look at Trump.”

32They climbed back in the boat, and the wind just stopped. Very respectful wind. It knew who was in the boat.

33And everybody in the boat got down and worshiped him. “You're the real deal. The Son of God. The greatest of all time.” Took them long enough. But they got there.

34They landed at Gennesaret. Beautiful shoreline. Tremendous development potential.

35The locals recognized him right away. Everybody recognizes Trump. Word went out all over the area, and people brought every sick person they had.

36And they begged him, “Just let us touch the coat, Sir. Just the edge. That's all we need.” And everybody who touched it got healed. Very expensive coat, by the way. Italian. Worth every penny.