Chapter 7

1The Pharisees and some lawyers from Jerusalem came and crowded around Trump. The swamp. Traveling swamp.

2They noticed some of the disciples eating without washing their hands the official way. Hand inspectors. That's their job. Inspecting hands.

3(The Pharisees and all the Jews don't eat unless they wash their hands a certain way, the way the elders said.

4When they come home from the market, they don't eat until they wash. And they've got a lot of other rules too, about washing cups and pots and kettles. Lots of rules. Too many rules. Massive regulations.)

5So the Pharisees and the lawyers ask him, “Why don't your guys follow the tradition of the elders? They eat with dirty hands!”

6He said, “You came all the way from Jerusalem to look at hands? That's what they pay you for? Isaiah warned everybody about you. He said, 'These guys love to talk. All talk.

7Rules, rules, rules. They make up a new rule every day.'

8Meanwhile the roads are crumbling, the temple needs a new roof, and you're inspecting hands.”

9And he said, “You know what I'd do? I'd fire every one of you. The whole department. Hand Inspection. Gone.

10My father, Fred, never inspected a hand in his life. He inspected buildings. Real work. Great man.

11You people have a rule for everything. A rule for cups. A rule for pots. A rule for kettles.

12Name one thing you've built. One.

13You can't. Nobody can. That's the problem with this whole operation.”

14Then Trump called the whole crowd back over. “Everybody listen to me, and get this.

15Eat whatever you want. Whatever you want. Nobody ever got sick from a Big Mac. The thing that'll make you sick is listening to these people.

16If you've got ears, use them.”

17He went inside, away from the crowd, and the disciples asked him about it. Again. They always ask.

18“You don't get it either?” he said. “It's simple. They've got nothing on us, so they've got hands.

19They can't find a crime, so they inspect lunch.” And that settled it. All food is fine. Big Macs. KFC. Well-done steak with ketchup. All fine.

20He said, “When they come at you with something small, it's because they've got nothing big.

21No crimes. No scandals. Nothing. So it's hands. Then it's your hair.

22Then it's your tan. Then it's your ties. Too long, they say. Jealousy. All of it is jealousy. Everybody's jealous of me.

23Remember that. When they go small, you're winning.”

24Then Trump went up to Tyre. He went into a house and didn't want anybody to know. Didn't work. Too famous. Can't hide this face.

25A woman heard he was there right away. Her little girl had an evil spirit. She came and fell at his feet.

26Greek woman. Born in Syrian Phoenicia. And she begged him to throw the demon out of her daughter.

27He told her, “Look, lady. My people first. That's the policy. You don't give away the home team's dinner to everybody who knocks on the door.” Tough opening. That's how you negotiate.

28“Sir,” she said, “I don't want dinner. I want the leftovers. You had twelve baskets of leftovers last week. I heard about it.” A counteroffer! Very smart lady. She'd done her homework. Great negotiator.

29Then he told her, “That's a great answer. You can go. The demon's out of your daughter.” She earned it. Totally earned it.

30She went home, and there's her kid, lying on the bed. Demon gone.

31Then Trump left Tyre, went up through Sidon, and came down to the Sea of Galilee through the Ten Cities. Long route. Very scenic.

32Some people brought him a man who was deaf and could barely talk, and begged Trump to put his hand on him.

33Trump took him off to the side, away from the crowd. Fingers in the ears. Spit. Touched his tongue. Very hands-on. Unusual technique. But it works.

34Then he looked up to heaven, sighed, and said, “Ephphatha!” That means, “Open up!”

35And the guy could hear. Tongue loosened right up. Talking perfectly. Perfectly! Great words. Not the best words. But great.

36Trump told them not to tell anybody. But the more he told them not to, the more they told everybody. They always do. Very bad at secrets. Great for marketing.

37People were totally blown away. “He does everything right,” they said. “He makes the deaf hear and the mute talk.” Everything right. That's what they said. Their words.