Chapter 3

1Another Sabbath, another synagogue. There's a man there with a shriveled hand. Very sad hand.

2And people are watching Trump very closely. Will he heal the guy on the Sabbath? Because then they can charge him. Surveillance. They had me under surveillance. Total spying.

3Trump said to the man with the shriveled hand, “Come up here. Stand in front of everybody.”

4Then he asked them, “Let me ask you something. Is there a rule against winning on Saturday? Is there? Show me the rule. Show me.” And they said nothing. Nothing! Not a word.

5He looked around at them, angry, very upset at how stubborn they were. Then to the man: “Hold out your hand.” He held it out. Fixed. Brand-new hand. Better than new.

6The Pharisees walked straight out and started plotting with Herod's people about how to kill Trump. The swamp and Herod's people. Working together. Very unholy alliance.

7Trump went off to the lake with his disciples, and a huge crowd from Galilee came after him. Huge.

8They'd heard what he was doing, so they came from Judea, Jerusalem, Idumea, across the Jordan, around Tyre and Sidon. Everywhere. International crowd.

9The crowd was so big, he had the disciples keep a little boat ready so he wouldn't get crushed. Crowd control. Very important with crowds this big.

10He'd healed so many people that every sick person there was shoving forward to touch him.

11Whenever the evil spirits saw him, they fell down in front of him and screamed, “You're the Son of God!” Even the demons endorse me, folks.

12And he ordered them, very strictly, not to tell anybody who he was. Unauthorized endorsements. Very bad. We don't want those.

13Then Trump went up a mountain and called up the people he wanted, and they came. Job interviews. On a mountain. Very exclusive.

14He picked twelve. They'd stay with him, and he'd send them out to spread the word,

15and they'd have the power to throw out demons. Good benefits package.

16These are the twelve. Simon, who Trump named Peter, The Rock. Great nickname.

17James son of Zebedee and his brother John, who he nicknamed the Sons of Thunder. Loud guys. Very loud. Thunder.

18Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew—hard name to spell, bad branding—Matthew, Thomas, James son of Alphaeus, Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot,

19and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him. Total loser. I'm telling you now so you know.

20Then Trump went home, and the crowd showed up again. So many people he and the disciples couldn't even eat. No time for lunch. Too successful.

21His family heard about it and came to take him home. “He's lost his mind,” they said. Fake news! Even family can be fake news.

22And the lawyers who came down from Jerusalem were going around saying, “He's got Beelzebul in him! He throws out demons with the devil's help!” Ridiculous. Totally ridiculous.

23So Trump called them over. “Me, working with Satan? Satan's a loser. I don't work with losers. Never have.

24Why would I do a deal with that guy? Terrible negotiator. Lost everything. Got thrown out of heaven. Biggest eviction in history.

25And you're calling me the devil? You people are his best customers. You keep him in business.

26Satan's finished. Done. He just doesn't know it yet. Bad business model. Terrible leadership.

27When I go into a place, first I tie up the competition. Then I take the whole building. That's what I'm doing to Satan. Hostile takeover.

28And I'll tell you something. I'm a very forgiving guy. People say so. Okay, not that many people.

29But you trash my Spirit, and you're done. Never forgiven. Never. I have a long memory. The longest.”

30He said this because they were saying, “He's got an evil spirit.” They said it. I didn't say it. They said it.

31Then Trump's mother and brothers showed up. They stayed outside and sent somebody in to get him. Mary, and Fred Jr., and Robert. The whole family.

32The crowd sitting around him passed the message along. “Sir, your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.”

33“Tell them I'm busy,” he said. “Very busy. Big crowd in here. Family can wait.

34He looked around at the people sitting there and said, “Look at this crowd. Best crowd in Capernaum.

35These people are my family now. The loyal ones. The ones who show up. Mom'll understand. She always does.” And Mary was fine with it. Great lady. She understood.