Chapter 4

1Trump heard the Pharisees had noticed he was signing up and baptizing more people than Johnny. Bigger numbers. The Pharisees were tracking the numbers.

2He wasn't baptizing personally, by the way. His guys were. Delegation. Great leaders delegate.

3So he left Judea and headed back up to Galilee.

4The route went through Samaria. Shortcut. Very efficient route.

5He came to a Samaritan town called Sychar, by the land Jacob gave his son Joseph. Old family property. Very valuable land. Joseph got a great inheritance.

6Jacob's well was there. Trump was tired from the road, so he sat down by the well. Around noon. Very hot. No Diet Coke.

7A Samaritan woman comes to get water. Trump says, “Will you give me a drink?”

8The disciples had gone into town to get food. Food run. Probably McDonald's.

9The woman says, “You're a Jew and I'm a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” Jews and Samaritans don't get along. Bad blood. Very old feud. Like me and the New York Times.

10Trump answered her, “If you knew who was asking, you'd be the one asking me. I've got better water. Premium water. Trump Ice. Very successful product. People don't know.”

11“Sir,” the woman said, “you don't have anything to draw with, and the well is deep. Where are you going to get this living water?

12Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, and so did his kids and his livestock?” Am I greater than Jacob? Is that a real question?

13Trump answered, “That water? Well water. Tap water, basically. You'll be thirsty in an hour.

14Mine, you drink it once and you're set for life. Lifetime supply. Never thirsty again. The best product ever made.” Never thirsty. Total satisfaction. Five stars.

15The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.” Sold. Closed the deal. Easy.

16He says, “Go call your husband and come back.”

17“I don't have a husband,” she replied. Trump said to her, “You're right when you say you don't have a husband.

18The fact is, you've had five husbands, and the man you have now isn't your husband. What you just said is very true.” Five husbands. I've had three wives. She's ahead. Not judging.

19“Sir,” the woman said, “I can see you're a prophet. Great intel. She was impressed. Everybody's impressed by great intel.

20Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews say the place where we have to worship is in Jerusalem.” Location dispute. Real estate argument. My specialty.

21“Woman,” Trump replied, “believe me, the mountain doesn't matter. Jerusalem doesn't matter. Location doesn't matter. First time I ever said that. Last time too.

22You know what matters? Who you're with. And you've been with the wrong people. Five times.

23The Father wants people who are with him. Loyal. All in. That's what he's looking for. Same as me.

24And truthful. Truth. Very important word. Social. Truth Social.”

25The woman says, “I know the Messiah is coming. When he comes, he'll explain everything to us.”

26Then Trump declared, “I, the one talking to you, am him.” Big reveal. At a well. Biggest announcement ever made at a well.

27Right then the disciples come back and they're surprised he's talking with a woman. But nobody says, “What do you want?” or “Why are you talking with her?” Nobody asks me questions like that. They know better.

28The woman left her water jar right there, ran back to town, and told everybody,

29“Come see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?” Told her everything. Great opposition research.

30Out they came, the whole town, walking toward him. Whole town. Walking out to see me. Like a rally.

31Meanwhile the disciples are pushing food at him. “Rabbi, eat something.”

32But he said to them, “I have food to eat that you don't know about.”

33Then his disciples said to each other, “Did somebody bring him food?” Very literal. Always very literal. Did somebody order him a Big Mac?

34“My food,” said Trump, “is winning. Winning feeds me. I don't need to eat. Well, I eat. But I don't need to.

35Look at that crowd coming out of the town. Look at them! Ripe. Ready. We're going to win this whole town. Samaria! Nobody's ever won Samaria.

36And everybody who works the field gets paid. Great payroll. Everybody gets a bonus.

37Somebody else plants, you harvest. That's how it works. That's how it's always worked.

38You're harvesting what other people worked for. Inherited it. Nothing wrong with inheriting. Very respectable. My father gave me a small loan.”

39A lot of Samaritans from that town signed on because of what the woman said. “He told me everything I ever did.” Great surrogate. Best surrogate in Samaria.

40They came out and begged him to stay. He stayed two days.

41He talked, and a lot more signed on. Bigger numbers. Always bigger.

42They said to the woman, “We don't believe just because of what you said anymore. Now we've heard for ourselves, and we know this man really is the Savior of the world.” Heard it straight from me. No filter. No media. That's how you win.

43Two days later he left for Galilee.

44Trump himself had pointed out that a prophet gets no respect in his own hometown. Queens. Always Queens.

45He got to Galilee and they rolled out the welcome. They'd been at the Passover in Jerusalem and saw everything he did. Saw the temple thing. Loved it.

46He went back to Cana, the water-into-wine town. And there was a royal official in Capernaum whose son was very sick. Cana. The wedding town. Great reviews from the wedding.

47The official heard Trump was back in Galilee, went to find him, and begged him to come heal his son. The kid was dying.

48“Unless you people see signs and wonders,” Trump told him, “you're never going to believe.” Always need proof. Never enough proof.

49The royal official said, “Sir, come down before my child dies.”

50“Go,” Trump said. “Your son is going to live.” The man took him at his word and headed home. Took me at my word. Smart man.

51He's still on the road when his servants meet him. The boy's alive. Good news. Real news.

52He asks them when the boy got better. “Yesterday, at one in the afternoon, the fever left him.”

53The father did the math. That was the exact minute Trump said, “Your son is going to live.” So he signed on, and his whole household with him. Exact time. To the minute. Very precise.

54That was the second one, after coming up from Judea to Galilee. Second sign. Two for two. Undefeated.