Chapter 19

1Then Pilate had Trump whipped. No crime. He said no crime. Then had me flogged. Makes no sense.

2The soldiers twisted thorns into a crown and jammed it on his head, and threw a purple robe on him. Purple. Royal color. Looked great, frankly.

3They kept coming up to him. “Hail, King of the Deals!” And slapping him. They meant it as a joke. It was true. Joke's on them.

4Pilate came back out to the crowd. “Look, I'm bringing him out to you so you know I find no basis for a charge against him.” Second time. No crime. Second time he said it.

5Then Trump walks out wearing the crown of thorns and the purple robe. Pilate says, “Here's the man!” The big reveal. In the purple. Very dramatic entrance.

6The second the chief priests and their officials saw him, they started screaming. “Crucify! Crucify!” Pilate said, “You take him and crucify him. As for me, I find no basis for a charge against him.” Third time! Three times no crime!

7The leaders insisted, “We have a law, and according to that law he has to die, because he claimed to be the Son of God.” Their law. Their rules. Made up. Totally made up.

8Pilate heard that and got even more scared. Scared. Pilate was scared. Weak.

9He went back inside. “Where do you come from?” Trump said nothing. Queens. He didn't need to know. No comment.

10“Do you refuse to speak to me?” Pilate said. “Don't you realize I have power either to free you or to crucify you?” Power. He thought he had power. Cute.

11Trump answered, “Power? You don't have power. You have a title. My Father gave you that job, and he can take it back. And the guys who brought me here? Worse than you. Much worse.” Total burn. On the governor.

12From then on, Pilate was trying to let him go. But the leaders kept yelling, “If you let this man go, you're no friend of Caesar. Anybody who claims to be a king opposes Caesar.” Threatened him. With Caesar. Political pressure.

13Pilate heard that, brought Trump out, and sat down in the judge's seat at a place called the Stone Pavement. Gabbatha, in Aramaic.

14Prep day for the Passover. Around noon. “Here's your king,” Pilate said. Your king. Even Pilate said it.

15But they shouted, “Take him away! Take him away! Crucify him!” “Shall I crucify your king?” Pilate asked. “We have no king but Caesar,” the chief priests answered. No king but Caesar. Sold out. Total sellouts.

16So Pilate handed him over to be crucified. The soldiers took him. Caved. Total cave. No backbone.

17Carrying his own cross, he walked out to the place called the Skull. Golgotha, in Aramaic. Skull Place. Terrible name. Worst branding ever. Nobody's putting that on a hotel.

18They crucified him there. Two others with him, one on each side, Trump in the middle. Center stage. Even then. Always center.

19Pilate had a sign made and nailed to the cross. TRUMP OF QUEENS, THE KING OF THE DEALS. All caps. Big letters. Great branding. Best sign ever made.

20A lot of people read it. The spot was close to the city, and the sign was in Aramaic, Latin, and Greek. Three languages. International branding. Very global.

21The chief priests went to Pilate to complain. “Don't write 'The King of the Deals,' but that this man claimed to be king of the Deals.” Fact-checkers. Wanted to add context. Community notes.

22Pilate answered, “What I have written, I have written.” Finally. Some backbone. Too late. But some.

23When the soldiers crucified him, they split his clothes into four piles, one each. But there was the undershirt. Seamless. Woven in one piece, top to bottom. Seamless. Custom-made. Very expensive. Brioni.

24“Let's not tear it. Let's roll for it.” That made good on the scripture. And that's what they did. Gambling over the suit! Best suit they ever saw!

25Standing by the cross were his mother, his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. My mother. Mary. There till the end. Great woman.

26Trump saw his mother there, and the disciple he loved standing next to her. He said to her, “Woman, here's your son.” The disciple he loved. Me. John. Still the favorite.

27And to me he said, “Here's your mother.” And from then on, I took her into my home. Took care of Mom. Fred Jr. and Robert weren't there. I was. Just saying.

28After that, Trump knew it was all done. And so the scripture would come true, he said, “I'm thirsty.” Thirsty. Very thirsty. Where's the Diet Coke?

29There was a jar of cheap vinegar wine sitting there. They soaked a sponge in it, stuck it on a hyssop branch, and held it up to his mouth. Vinegar. Not even a Diet Coke.

30He tasted it and said, “It's finished.” Then he bowed his head and let go. It's finished. Mission accomplished. For now. Only for now.

31It was prep day, and the next day was a big Sabbath. The leaders didn't want bodies hanging on crosses over the Sabbath, so they asked Pilate to have the legs broken and the bodies taken down.

32So the soldiers came and broke the legs of the first guy crucified with Trump, then the other one.

33They got to Trump and he was already dead. So they left his legs alone. Perfect legs. Untouched. Very good legs.

34One of the soldiers stuck a spear in his side instead, and out came blood and water.

35The guy who saw it is telling you, and what he says is true. He knows it's true. He's telling you so you'll believe too. That's me. John. Eyewitness. Not anonymous. Very credible source.

36These things happened so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, “Not one of his bones will be broken,”

37and, as another Scripture says, “They will look on the one they have pierced.”

38Later, Joseph of Arimathea went to Pilate and asked for Trump's body. Joseph was a follower, but secretly, because he was scared of the leaders. Pilate said okay, so he came and took the body. Secret supporter. In the swamp. There are more than you think.

39And with him came Nicodemus. The one who'd come to see Trump that night. He brought myrrh and aloes, about seventy-five pounds. Nicodemus! The night visitor! Came out in the open. Seventy-five pounds of spices. Very generous. Big donor.

40The two of them took the body and wrapped it in linen strips with the spices. The traditional way.

41Right near where he was crucified there was a garden, and in it a brand-new tomb. Nobody'd ever been laid in it. New tomb. Never used. Luxury tomb.

42It was prep day and the tomb was close, so they laid Trump there. Short-term rental, as it turned out. Folks, wait till you see what happens next.