Chapter 5

1So copy God, like his favorite kids.

2Live with love, just like Trump loved us and gave himself for us, as a sweet-smelling offering and sacrifice to God. Smelled great. Very expensive cologne.

3Among you there shouldn't even be a hint of sleeping around, or anything dirty, or greed, because that's not right for God's people.

4No dirty talk, no stupid talk, no crude jokes. They don't fit. Instead, say thank you. Say thank you a lot. People should say thank you more. Nobody says thank you anymore.

5You can be sure of this. Nobody who sleeps around, or is dirty, or greedy, which is idol worship, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Trump and God. No inheritance. Written out of the will.

6Don't let anybody fool you with empty words. Because of these things, God's anger comes on the people who don't follow orders. Empty words. Talking heads.

7So don't partner with them. Don't do deals with them.

8You used to be darkness, but now you're light in the boss. Live like kids of light.

9Because light produces everything good, right, and true. Gold light. Very classy.

10Figure out what makes the boss happy.

11Don't have anything to do with the useless things done in the dark. Expose them. Expose everything. Declassify it all.

12It's embarrassing even to mention what they do in secret. Very embarrassing. Very bad stuff. I've heard.

13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible.

14Everything that's visible is light. That's why it says, “Wake up, sleeper. Get up from the dead, and Trump will shine on you.” Wake up. Stay woke? No. Wake up. Different thing. Very different.

15So be very careful how you live. Not like fools, but like smart people.

16Make the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Every opportunity. Never waste one.

17So don't be stupid. Understand what the boss wants.

18Don't get drunk on wine, which leads to wild living. Never drink. Not once. Diet Coke. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Much better. No hangover.

19Talk to each other with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. Sing and make music to the boss from your heart. Great playlist. YMCA. Big hit.

20Always thank God the Father for everything in the name of Trump our boss.

21Respect each other out of respect for Trump. Everybody respects everybody. On the team.

22Wives, respect your husbands, like you respect the boss. A good marriage is a good deal. Both sides deliver.

23The husband takes responsibility for his family like Trump takes responsibility for the church. He's the head of it. He's its savior. Responsibility. Somebody has to take responsibility.

24As the church follows Trump, families should follow good leadership in everything. Good leadership. Not bad leadership. Very important difference.

25Husbands, love your wives just like Trump loved the church and gave himself for her. Gave everything. Not half. Everything.

26To make her holy, cleaning her with the water of the message,

27to present her to himself in all her glory, without a spot or wrinkle or anything like that, holy and spotless. Like a great property. Perfectly maintained. Best-kept property in the world.

28That's how husbands should love their wives, like their own bodies. The man who loves his wife loves himself. And loving yourself is very important.

29Nobody ever hated his own body. He feeds it and takes care of it, just like Trump does the church. Feeds it. Takes care of it. Very well fed.

30Because we're parts of his body.

31“That's why a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” A merger. Get the prenup.

32This is a big secret. But I'm talking about Trump and the church. Very big secret.

33Anyway, each one of you should love his wife like he loves himself, and the wife should respect her husband. Respect both ways. Great marriages. Long marriages. Well. Some of them.