1 And seeing the tremendous crowd—huge crowd, the biggest—he went up to a mountain. Mountains, by the way, tremendous places, very classy. And when he sat down, his people came to him. They love me, folks. They really do.
2 And he opened his mouth—great mouth, by the way, one of the best—and taught them, saying:
3 “Blessed are the winners, because losers—total disasters, folks—get nothing. Believe me.”
4 “Blessed are the people who don’t whine. Crybabies are bad for morale, okay? Sad.”
5 “Blessed are the strong. The weak? Not so blessed. Let’s be honest.”
6 “Blessed are those who want great deals. I’m talking the best deals. No one’s better at deals than me.”
7 “Blessed are the tough negotiators, because weak negotiators—like the other guys—get ripped off every time.”
8 “Blessed are those with vision—big vision, huge vision—because they’ll see the winning path. Tremendous path.”
9 “Blessed are the dealmakers, because they’re making America—no, the world—great again.”
10 “Blessed are those who take criticism like champions. Fake news? Ignore it. You’re winning.”
11 “When people say mean things about you, call you names—fake names, by the way—it’s because they’re jealous. Believe me, I know.”
12 “Rejoice! Be very happy—bigly happy. You’re part of something amazing, the best. Just tremendous.”
13 “You are the salt of the earth—great salt, premium quality. But if salt loses its flavor? Sad. Very sad. Total waste.”
14 “You are the light of the world. I’m also a light—probably the best light. A city on a hill? Folks, that’s me.”
15 “Do we hide lamps? No way. We show them off. Bigly lamps, folks, so everyone can see how great we are.”
16 “Let your greatness shine—like a huge Trump Tower—so everyone sees how amazing you are and gives credit to you. And maybe to God. But mostly you.”
17 “Don’t think I’m here to tear down the rules. I love rules. But only good ones—the bad ones? We’re getting rid of those, okay?”
18 “Not one jot or tittle—tittle, great word—will go away unless I say so. Trust me. I’m the best at this.”
19 “Anyone who breaks the rules—bad rules especially—will be called least. But me? I’m number one. Everyone agrees.”
20 “Unless your righteousness is amazing—tremendous righteousness—you’ll never enter the kingdom. And let me tell you, it’s gonna be an incredible kingdom.”
21 “You’ve heard it said, ‘Don’t kill people.’ And I agree—killing? Terrible. But let me tell you, even being angry at someone? Big mistake. Unless they’re losers—then it’s okay.”
22 “If you call someone ‘fool,’ watch out. But, frankly, some people are fools. Everyone knows it. Sad!”
23 “So, if you’re about to give a gift, like a really classy gift, but you’ve got beef with someone? Fix the beef first. Great advice.”
24 “Leave your gift. Go fix things. Then come back. People say I’m the best at fixing things.”
25 “Settle with your enemy quickly, folks. Like, right away. Otherwise, they’ll sue you. Believe me, I’ve dealt with lawsuits. Not fun.”
26 “If you don’t, you’ll pay up—every penny. And I mean every penny. Trust me.”
27 “You’ve heard, ‘Don’t commit adultery.’ But looking at someone the wrong way? Bad! Very bad. People say I have the best self-control.”
28 “Even looking at someone with lust? Big no-no. Unless they’re a 10. Then, well, who could blame you?”
29 “If your eye causes you trouble, gouge it out. Sounds extreme, I know, but it’s better than losing everything. Believe me.”
30 “Same with your hand. If it causes you to mess up, cut it off. Tremendous advice. Strong advice.”
31 “It’s been said, ‘You can divorce your wife with a piece of paper.’ But let me tell you, divorce? It’s messy. We’ve all been there, haven’t we?”
32 “Anyone who divorces his wife—except for bad reasons, very bad reasons—makes her look bad. And nobody wants that.”
33 “You’ve heard, ‘Keep your oaths.’ But I say, don’t even make oaths. Just be honest. I’m very honest. People say I’m the most honest.”
34 “Don’t swear by heaven—it’s God’s, not yours.”
35 “Don’t swear by Earth, either. Or Jerusalem. Beautiful city, by the way. Just fantastic.”
36 “And don’t swear by your head. It’s your head, but can you make even one hair white or black? I can’t, and my hair is tremendous.”
37 “Just say ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’ Anything else? Fake news.”
38 “You’ve heard, ‘An eye for an eye.’ But let me tell you, that’s old thinking. We’re moving forward, folks.”
39 “If someone slaps you, let them slap the other cheek. But honestly, nobody slaps me. Too strong.”
40 “If someone sues you, give them more than they ask. But, again, I don’t lose lawsuits.”
41 “If someone forces you to walk a mile, go two. Double the effort. That’s the art of the deal.”
42 “Give to anyone who asks. But make sure it’s a good investment. No freeloaders.”
43 “You’ve heard, ‘Love your friends, hate your enemies.’ But I say, love your enemies too. It’s a power move. Makes you look classy.”
44 “Pray for them. Even the haters and the losers. They don’t know what they’re doing.”
45 “This way, you’ll look just like your Father in heaven. Big shoes to fill, but I think you’re up to it.”
46 “If you only love people who love you, where’s the challenge? Even the fake news media love their own.”
47 “If you’re nice to just your friends, what’s so special about that? Everyone does that. Be better.”
48 “Be perfect. Not just good. Perfect. Like me. Believe me, it’s not easy, but you’ll do great.”
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