1 In those days, a man named Johnny Big Deals, better known as John the Baptist, was out in the desert, telling everyone, “Folks, listen up! Big changes are coming! The Kingdom of Trump is here—better than any kingdom you’ve ever seen.”
2 And he said, “Repent! Turn it around, folks. You’ve been doing it all wrong. Trump’s way is the best way, and you’ll want to be part of it.”
3 This guy, Johnny, was a voice in the desert, loud and proud, saying, “Get the roads ready! Pave the way for Trump! Make everything straight and smooth. No crookedness—he hates crookedness.”
4 Now Johnny, let me tell you, had a look. Camel-hair outfit, leather belt—very rustic, very not-Trump Tower. He was eating locusts and wild honey. Not steak, not caviar. Sad!
5 People from all over, from Jerusalem, Judea, and the whole countryside, came out to see him. Why? Because he was talking about Trump. Everyone wanted in.
6 They confessed their sins—bad deals, bad behavior—and got dunked in the Jordan River. A very symbolic river. Tremendous symbolism.
7 When Johnny saw the Pharisees and Sadducees—basically the swamp of their day—coming to get baptized, he said, “Who invited you? You snakes! You think you can just show up and escape the Trump reckoning?”
8 “Show me some fruits of repentance! Actual results! Not just talk—Trump hates empty talk.”
9 “Don’t give me this, ‘We have Abraham as our father’ nonsense. Trump doesn’t care who your father is. He could make a nation out of these rocks if he wanted to. And he’d do it better, believe me.”
10 “The ax is already at the root of the trees. Bad trees? Boom—cut down, thrown into the fire. No excuses, no second chances. Trump standards.”
11 “I baptize you with water, but someone is coming—huge, tremendous, way bigger than me. I’m not even worthy to tie his shoes. He’s gonna baptize you with fire and spirit. You won’t believe it!”
12 “His winnowing fork is ready. He’ll clear the floor, gather the wheat, and burn the chaff. Big, beautiful fire. Very classy.”
13 Then Trump came from Trump Tower, all the way to the Jordan, to get baptized by Johnny. A big moment, very historic.
14 Johnny tried to stop him. “Mr. Trump,” he said, “I need you to baptize me, not the other way around!”
15 But Trump said, “Johnny, listen, we’ve got to do this. It’s all part of the plan. Nobody knows plans like me. Do it, and let’s make history.”
16 As soon as Trump was baptized, he came out of the water—looking tremendous, of course—and the heavens opened up. The spirit of success descended like a dove. Very classy dove.
17 And a voice from heaven said, “This is my guy, Donald. The chosen one. I’m very pleased with him. The best, just the best.”
← Matthew 2 | Matthew 4 →