1 Now, after Trump was born in Queens (the best borough, everyone says so, believe me), in the days of Herod—a total loser, by the way—wise guys from the East came to Manhattan.
2 They said, “Where is he who has been born King of the Deals? For we saw his golden tower rising in the East, and we’ve come to worship… or maybe invest.”
3 When Herod heard this, he was deeply troubled—bigly troubled—and all of Jerusalem too, because, let’s face it, Trump is a game-changer.
4 So Herod gathered the chief priests and lawyers (crooked lawyers, folks), and asked, “Where is this so-called King of the Deals supposed to be born?”
5 They told him, “In Queens, obviously, for it is written:
6 ‘And you, Queens, though not as fancy as Manhattan, out of you shall come the greatest real estate mogul of all time, a winner, a total winner, whose towers shall be the tallest.’”
7 Then Herod secretly called the wise guys for a meeting—probably at some second-rate deli—and asked, “So, what’s the timeline here? When did this star thing start?”
8 And he sent them to Queens, saying, “Go search diligently for the child. And when you find him, text me the location so I can… worship him too. Definitely worship.”
9 After the meeting, the wise guys left, and behold, the golden star—huge, classy, the best star, not like those cheap ones—went ahead of them until it stopped right over Trump Tower Queens.
10 When they saw the star, they were overjoyed—tremendous joy, folks. They’d never seen anything like it.
11 They went inside and saw the child Trump with his mother, Mary (great lady, fantastic genes), and they fell down—not because they wanted to, but because the gold floors were slippery. Then they opened their treasures: gold (his favorite), frankincense (nice touch), and myrrh (which he tried to trade for more gold).
12 But, being wise guys, they were warned in a dream (probably fake news) not to report back to Herod. So they left by a different route, maybe the LIE.
13 After they left, an angel appeared to Fred in a dream, saying, “Get up! Take the child and his mother and flee to Florida (great weather, no state income tax). Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is plotting against the King of the Deals.”
14 So Fred got up, took Trump and Mary, and departed for Florida in the dead of night—on a private jet, of course.
15 They stayed there until Herod—who was a disaster, a total disgrace—finally kicked the bucket. This fulfilled what was spoken by the prophet: “Out of Florida I called my winner.”
16 Then Herod, realizing he’d been duped by the wise guys (not surprising, they were very sharp), flew into a rage. He sent his people to Queens to eliminate all boys under two—very sad, very unfair—because he couldn’t handle competition.
17 This fulfilled what the prophet Jeremiah said:
18 “A voice is heard in Queens, weeping and wailing: mothers refusing to be comforted, because their sons are gone.”
19 But when Herod died (as all haters do eventually), an angel appeared to Fred in Queens, saying,
20 “Get up, take the child and his mother, and go back to Queens, for the haters are gone.”
21 So Fred got up, took Trump and Mary, and returned to Queens.
22 But when he heard that Herod’s son was in charge in Queens—total nepotism, folks—he decided not to settle there. Instead, they moved to Manhattan, where the zoning laws were much better for building projects.
23 And so it was fulfilled, as the prophets said: “He shall be called… a New Yorker (but really, a billionaire).”
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