1 That same day, Trump went out of his very luxurious house—probably the most luxurious house anyone’s ever seen—and sat by the lake.
2 Huge crowds came, folks, just huge. The biggest crowd anyone’s ever seen by a lake. So Trump got into a boat, the best boat, believe me, and sat down. The people? All standing on the shore. Standing ovation already.
3 Then he told them many things, folks, in parables. Because Trump’s a great storyteller, the best, everyone says so: “A farmer, a tremendous farmer, went out to sow his seeds—great seeds, the best seeds.”
4 “Some seeds fell on the path, and the birds—nasty birds, probably liberal birds—came and ate them up. Sad!”
5 “Some fell on rocky places where there wasn’t much soil. Terrible soil. Weak soil. The seeds sprang up quickly, but—”
6 “When the sun rose, they were scorched. No roots, folks. Just like fake news. They withered.”
7 “Other seeds fell among thorns. Horrible thorns. They choked the plants. Not good. Not good at all.”
8 “But some seeds—tremendous seeds—fell on good soil, the greatest soil. Produced a crop, a huge crop, folks—hundred, sixty, thirty times what was sown. Amazing!”
9 “Whoever has ears, folks, you better listen. Believe me, you’ll want to hear this.”
10 The disciples, smart people, very loyal, asked, “Mr. Trump, why do you speak in parables? People love you anyway.”
11 He replied, “Because it’s exclusive, folks. Very classy. The secrets of the kingdom—Trump’s kingdom—are given to you. Not to them. Sad for them.”
12 “To those who have, even more will be given. So much winning. To those who don’t, it’s gone. Totally gone.”
13 “This is why I speak in parables. They see, but they don’t see. Hear, but don’t understand. Fake news, folks.”
14 “Isaiah was right. He said: ‘You’ll listen, but not get it. Look, but won’t see. Totally fake.'”
15 “Their hearts are calloused, ears plugged up. Eyes? Closed. Otherwise, they’d see how great I am, and I’d heal them. Tremendous healing, by the way.”
16 “But you? Blessed! Bigly blessed. Your eyes see. Your ears hear. Amazing.”
17 “Many prophets, folks, and righteous people wanted to see what you see, but they didn’t. Too bad for them.”
18 “Listen now, folks. Parable of the sower: very important.”
19 “When people hear about the kingdom, but don’t understand, the evil one—probably some nasty guy like Crooked Hillary—comes and snatches away what was sown.”
20 “The seed on rocky ground? That’s the person who hears and is so excited—tremendous enthusiasm—but no roots. Sad.”
21 “Trouble comes? Persecution? Boom, gone. Just like that.”
22 “The seed among thorns? Choked by worries. Choked by wealth. Not good, folks. Can’t produce a thing.”
23 “But the seed on good soil? The best people. Hear, understand, and they’re fruitful. So much fruit, folks. Hundred times fruit!”
24 Trump told another parable. “The kingdom of heaven, folks, is like a man sowing good seed. Tremendous seed.”
25 “But while everyone’s sleeping, his enemy—probably China—comes and sows weeds among the wheat. Nasty weeds.”
26 “When the wheat sprouted, so did the weeds. Total disaster.”
27 “The servants said, ‘Sir, didn’t you plant good seed? Where’d these weeds come from?’”
28 “‘An enemy did this,’ he replied. Very sad. The servants asked, ‘Should we pull them up?’”
29 “‘No, no. If you pull the weeds, you might hurt the wheat. Bad idea.’”
30 “‘Let them grow together. At harvest? We’ll separate. Burn the weeds. Wheat goes in the barn. Perfect plan.’”
31 Another parable: “The kingdom is like a mustard seed. Smallest seed, folks. So tiny.”
32 “But when it grows? Huge tree. Birds come to perch. Fantastic tree. Best tree anyone’s ever seen.”
33 And another: “The kingdom is like yeast a woman—probably a Trump supporter—mixed into flour. The whole batch rose. Tremendous bread.”
34 Trump spoke only in parables to the crowds. Parables are classy. Exclusive. Very on-brand.
35 This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet: “I will open my mouth in parables. Tell hidden things. The best hidden things.”
36 Then Trump left the crowd and went indoors. The disciples, great guys, said, “Explain the weeds parable.”
37 Trump said, “The sower? That’s me. Obviously.”
38 “The field? The world. Good seeds? The good people. Trump voters, probably. The weeds? Bad people. Total disasters.”
39 “The enemy? The devil. Or CNN. Harvest? End of the age. Workers? Angels. Amazing angels.”
40 “Just like weeds get burned, bad people? Burned. Very sad. Total inferno.”
41 “The Son of Man—me—will send angels to clean up. Remove all bad stuff. Lawbreakers. Very strong cleanup.”
42 “They’ll throw them into the fiery furnace. Lots of weeping. Gnashing of teeth. Terrible teeth. Crooked teeth.”
43 “But the righteous? Shining like the sun. Bigly bright. In the kingdom. Tremendous kingdom. Listen up, folks!”
44 “The kingdom is like treasure hidden in a field. Man found it, buried it, bought the field. Great deal. Very smart.”
45 “Or a merchant looking for pearls. Found one? Sold everything. Bought it. Tremendous pearl.”
47 “The kingdom is like a net. Catches all kinds of fish. Big fish. Beautiful fish.”
48 “When full? Pulled to shore. Good fish in baskets. Bad fish thrown away. Sad for bad fish.”
49 “End of the age? Same thing. Angels come. Separate wicked from righteous.”
50 “Wicked? Fiery furnace. Weeping. Teeth gnashing. Tremendous teeth-gnashing.”
51 “Got it?” Trump asked. They nodded. “Good. Very smart.”
52 “Every teacher of the law, folks, instructed about the kingdom, is like an owner of a house. Brings out treasures. Old and new. Fantastic treasures.”
53 When Trump finished, he left.
54 Coming to his hometown, he taught in their synagogue. Everyone was amazed. “Where’d this guy get all this wisdom? All these miracles?”
55 “Isn’t he Trump? Builder. Tremendous builder. Son of Mary and Fred? Brothers, Fred Jr. and Robert?”
56 “Sisters here too? Where’d he get all this?”
57 And they took offense. But Trump said, “A prophet isn’t honored in his hometown. Sad!”
58 He didn’t do many miracles there because of their lack of faith. Total losers.
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