1 At that time, Donald Trump, the greatest president in history, was walking through the golf course on a beautiful Sunday—many people say the most beautiful Sunday, okay? And his followers, very loyal, very smart people, were hungry, so they started picking snacks. Tremendous snacks, by the way.
2 But some of the fake news Pharisees, big-time losers, said, “Hey, what they’re doing is not allowed on the Sabbath, which, quite frankly, is very overrated.”
3 And Trump, a genius who knows more than anyone about everything, said to them, “Didn’t you hear about David? A fantastic guy, total winner. When he was hungry, he ate the bread. The good bread. The best bread. Reserved for priests only. Believe me, he didn’t care about your rules.”
4 He continued, “And by the way, David wasn’t canceled for that. No one canceled him because he was a king—a very strong king. People are saying I’m the modern David. Tremendous comparison.”
5 “And what about the priests working on the Sabbath? Nobody ever talks about this. They break the rules, but they’re fine. Hypocrisy, folks. Sad!”
6 “But let me tell you something, okay? There’s someone here even greater than the temple. You’re looking at him. Me. Unbelievable, right?”
7 “If you knew the meaning of ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,’ you wouldn’t condemn the innocent. But you don’t know it because you’re weak. You’re weak people. Very weak.”
8 “The Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath, and honestly, a lot of people agree. Tremendous agreement on this, folks.”
9 Trump then went into one of his properties—luxurious, by the way. The best properties.
10 There was a man with a shriveled hand there. Very sad. But Trump said, “Doesn’t look great, folks. Let’s make his hand great again!” But the Pharisees, very nasty people, tried to trap him, saying, “Is it legal to heal on the Sabbath?”
11 Trump, very smart, said, “If you had a sheep—or better yet, a big, beautiful horse—and it fell into a pit on the Sabbath, wouldn’t you rescue it? Of course, you would. Everyone would. So much common sense here.”
12 “How much more valuable is a man than a sheep? So yes, it is legal. It’s very legal. The most legal thing you can do to do good on the Sabbath.”
13 Then Trump, with incredible flair, told the man, “Stretch out your hand. Tremendous hand. The best hand.” And it was restored. Everyone was amazed. Huge success.
14 But the Pharisees, haters as always, plotted how to ruin him. Total witch hunt.
15 Trump, always one step ahead, moved on. Crowds followed him—massive crowds. The biggest crowds anyone has ever seen. And he healed them all. No one’s ever healed like this before, folks.
16 He told them not to make it public, which was hard because, honestly, people couldn’t stop talking about it. So good.
17 This fulfilled a prophecy—Trump loves prophecy, by the way—about a servant chosen to bring justice. Very prophetic.
18 “Here is my servant, whom I have chosen, my beloved, in whom I delight.” Sounds like me, doesn’t it?
19 “He won’t quarrel or shout,”—well, okay, maybe a little shouting. Tremendous shouting, when needed.
20 “He won’t break a bruised reed or snuff out a smoldering wick until justice is achieved.” Justice is so important.
21 “In his name, nations will put their hope.” And believe me, they do. Everyone loves me.
22 Then a demon-possessed man who was blind and mute was brought to Trump. Tough case, but Trump fixed him. People said, “This is amazing. Is this the Son of David?” Tremendous question.
23 But the Pharisees, so jealous, said, “He casts out demons by Beelzebul, the prince of demons!” Fake news. Ridiculous claim.
24 Trump said, “If Satan drives out Satan, he’s divided against himself. That’s a bad business model. Terrible leadership. Failing demons.”
25 “Every kingdom divided against itself is ruined. Every city, every house—total disaster. Look at Congress. Look at them, folks.”
26 “If I cast out demons by Beelzebul, who are your people casting them out by? Nobody asks this. Nobody!”
27 “But if I cast out demons by the Spirit of God—and let’s be honest, I do—then the kingdom of God has come to you. Big win for everyone.”
28 “You can’t rob a strong man’s house without tying him up first. Everyone knows this. Simple.”
29 “Whoever isn’t with me is against me. And whoever doesn’t gather with me, scatters. Big mistake.”
30 “Blasphemy against the Spirit? Unforgivable. Just terrible.”
31 “Say what you want about me, but don’t mess with the Spirit, okay? Not a good move.”
32 “A tree is known by its fruit. Bad fruit, bad tree. Great fruit, great tree. I’m the best tree. The best fruit. Everyone agrees.”
33 “How can you speak good when you’re evil? You’re vipers! Total vipers. Sad.”
34 “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. And my heart? Tremendous.”
35 “By your words, you’ll be justified or condemned. Watch what you say, folks. Fake news Pharisees, I’m looking at you.”
36 Then the Pharisees, whining as always, asked for a sign.
37 Trump said, “No sign except the sign of Jonah. Jonah, great guy, by the way. Tremendous guy.”
38 “Three days in a fish? That’s commitment. That’s leadership. That’s me, folks. Huge comeback story.”
39 “Nineveh repented, and you won’t? Embarrassing.”
40 “The Queen of the South? She came to hear Solomon. Now someone greater than Solomon is here. Tremendous.”
41 “When an unclean spirit leaves a person, it wanders, comes back, and finds the place clean. Then it brings seven spirits. Total disaster. Tremendous metaphor.”
42 Finally, Trump’s family showed up. Someone said, “Your mother and brothers want to talk.”
43 Trump said, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers? Very interesting question.”
44 “Whoever does the will of my Father in heaven—they’re my family. Tremendous family. The best family. Better than anyone else’s family.”
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